John Boehner

I drive a Rolls Royce/'Cos it's good for my back.

A guide to
U.S. Politics

Hail to the Chief?

* Compassionate conservatism
* Tea Party movement
* Americans Elect
* Classroom prayer
* 2016 U.S. presidential election
* Ross Perot
* Earl K. Long

Persons of interest

* Betsy DeVos
* Orval Faubus
* Mike Huckabee
* Nancy Pelosi
* Barry Goldwater
* Josh Hawley

v \- t \- e

“”Freedom means you can be a genius and invent new products that make you millions of dollars and helps millions of people. It means you're free to work your way to becoming the first in your family to go to college. It means you're free to reach as high as you want, no matter where you came from, even if you're a little kid sweeping a bar out in southwest Ohio. Take it from me, you'll never know where you'll end up. That's freedom. I'll raise a glass to that any day. P.S.: Ted Cruz, go fuck yourself.

—John Boehner[1]

John Boehner (1949–), aka "The Orange Overlord"[2] and the "Weeper of the House",[3] was the tangerine-hued jackhole (not to be confused with that other one) who led the Republican-held House of Representatives throughout the majority of Obama's second term. He represented the 8th District of Ohio, an area encompassing mostly rural counties in the westernmost part of the state, close enough to be demographically indistinguishable from Indiana.

He enjoyed "nice conversations"[4] and thought his tenure nigh-constantly showed how relentlessly stupid he was. Between mixing up the US Constitution with the Declaration of Independence[5] and thinking that Gitmo detainees are more comfortable than "many Americans,"[6] no other party in the world (besides UKIP and the regimes of several theocracies) would allow him to be on a stage, let alone be a leader.

## Contents

* 1 Navy
* 2 Stunts
* 3 Speakership
* 4 Nostalgia
* 5 Up in smoke
* 6 Surname
* 7 References

## Navy[edit]

He joined the US Navy after graduating from high school in 1968, but was discharged a few weeks later because he has a "bad back". Currently, one of his favorite leisure activities is playing golf. Hmm.[7] His extensive military career proved to be excellent preparation for his political role as a ~~chickenhawk~~ war hawk, though.

## Stunts[edit]

Some of his more infamous stunts include:

* Contract With America
* In 1995, he doled out checks from tobacco lobbyists on the floor of the House before a vote on tobacco subsidies.[8] He then issued a "lol whoops sorry" apology and prattled about the importance of ethics reform in keeping people (like him) from doing things like this.
* Sitting on information regarding the Mark Foley scandal.[9]
* Backing Rich Iott, the Nazi reenactment guy, for Representative in the 2010 elections.[10]
* Getting defeated… on a light bulb bill.[11]
* Suing the president. Literally.[12] (Though there may have been some party-saving strategy behind it.[13])

## Speakership[edit]

See the main article on this topic: Fiscal cliff

“”He's basically an orange traffic cone at this point.

—Drew Magary[14]

Just in case the last mistakes were just uninformed errors, Boehner has had serious issues dealing with the ultraconservative faction of the Republican Party. In the fiscal cliff debacle, Boehner was unable to rein in the Kochsuckers for yea votes on Plan B (which would have resulted in a modest tax hike for a very, very small portion of rich Americans). Furthermore, a handful of far-right Republicans attempted a coup in which another member (or even outsider) would be voted Speaker. Boehner kept his job, which may not have been such a bad thing considering some of the alternatives.

In due time, Boehner opted to resign and wrap up his career on his own terms. He left in October 2015, flushed for not being enough of an obstructionist far-right loon. He was replaced by Paul Ryan, who himself resigned in January of 2019, just in time to see the Democrats regain control of the House. This entire process shows how the modern GOP is being eaten alive by the Tea Party nuts, so don't drink that tall, cool glass of schadenfreude just yet.[15] Currently, Nancy Pelosi is occupying the most thankless job in politics.

## Nostalgia[edit]

He has also said that the Obama Administration is "snuffing out the America that I grew up in."[16] Considering that he was born in 1949, this would seem to imply that he is nostalgic for — among other things — black-and-white television, black-and-white morality, Jim Crow laws, the Cold War, Dwight D. Eisenhower, McCarthyism, the Korean War and the first years of the Vietnam War, war protests and the Kent State shootings, the Sherman Antitrust Act, the lingering effects of New Deal programs, strong labor unions and a strong American manufacturing base, the Glass–Steagall Act and other tight regulations of Wall Street, demand side economics and a top marginal tax rate of 75% or more, and Democratic Party control of both houses of Congress for most of the first 30 years of his life.

## Up in smoke[edit]

In 2016, Boehner entered a revolving door and joined the board of directors of Reynolds American tobacco company:[17] doling out those checks on the House floor sure paid off! In 2018, Boehner joined the board of directors of Acreage Holdings, one of the largest cannabis corporations:[18] will Attorney General Jeff Sessions try to put him in prison? Alas, Jeff Sessions was sacked before this promoter of The Weed with Its Roots in Hell could face proper justice.

## Surname[edit]

His name is pronounced "bay-ner," not "boner".[19]

## References[edit]

1. ↑ Audiobook outtakes!
2. ↑ "It's Morning in America: New Orange Overlord Begins Reign Of Terror", Wonkette
3. ↑ John Boehner: 'Weeper of the House?', CBS News
4. ↑ Boehner tone trolling Obama after failing to prevent the crazies in his party drive the US economy towards default.
5. ↑ My Fellow Americans, I Present to You the New Speaker of the House
6. ↑ Boehner’s Alternate Reality: Gitmo Detainees Get ‘More Comforts Than A Lot Of Americans Get’, ThinkProgress
7. ↑ For some context.
8. ↑ Blunt, Boehner Share Broad Network of Lobbyist Ties With DeLay, Bloomberg
9. ↑ Mark Foley scandal: Chronology of a controversy, Sarasota Hearld-Tribune
10. ↑ "The Crying Shame of John Boehner", a none-too-flattering portrait of the Weeper by Matt Taibbi.
11. ↑ Conservatives hate efficiency, apparently.
12. ↑ [Gawker.com: archive.is, web.archive.org Even John Boehner Can't Believe What a Dick John Boehner Has to Be Now], Gawker
13. ↑ A 2 minute theory on John Boehner's lawsuit against Obama, Vox
14. ↑ GQ, "The 25 Least Influential People of 2013"
15. ↑ David Horsey, "'Cleaning the barn,' John Boehner dumps on GOP renegades", LA Times
16. ↑ Obama's good for GOP, Boehner says, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review
17. ↑ Heavy smoker John Boehner joins tobacco company's board by Matt Egan (September 15, 2016: 3:23 PM ET) CNN.
18. ↑ Boehner joins cannabis company board to push for medical use by Morgan Gstalter (04/11/18 09:14 AM EDT) The Hill.
19. ↑ [1]