Christopher Columbus

Chris looks cross.

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v \- t \- e

In most of North and South America, Cristóbal Colón, or Christopher Columbus in English, is recognized as the most significant of the early European explorers of the Americas. Long mythologized as a brilliant visionary who challenged conventional wisdom and finding a "new world", his real life story, however, is a far darker and stranger tale of hubris, greed, colonialism, and misinformation.

## Contents

* 1 The real Columbus
* 1.1 Never discovered America
* 1.2 Crimes against humanity
* 2 Origins
* 3 Lies to children
* 4 Washington Irving
* 5 Columbus Day
* 6 The Magic Voyage
* 7 See also
* 8 External links
* 9 Notes
* 10 References

## The real Columbus[edit]

### Never discovered America[edit]

Despite small visits and settlements by earlier explorers, especially from Scandinavia and likely Polynesia, and even the Yupik for that matter,[note 1] Columbus was backed by the power of the empire of Spain, opening the door for the large-scale exploration and exploitation of the Americas. To shamelessly quote Wikipedia on the subject, He is regarded more accurately as the person who brought the Americas into the forefront of Western attention. "Columbus' claim to fame isn't that he got there first," explains historian Martin Dugard, "it's that he stayed." However, mentioning any previous expeditions by Europeans to the Americas, or even perhaps whatever excursion that caused native Americans to get there, is considered by some to be "anti-Christian", as Columbus was a good Christian boy, therefore worthy of the credit, not some Icelandic ~~Christians~~[note 2] pagan with bad body odor. Furthermore, Columbus (despite being venerated for generations of Americans) never actually set foot on the mainland of what would later become the United States or anywhere else in North America.[1] From the moment of his arrival to the day of his death, Columbus didn't even know he found a new continent. Instead, he foolishly believed that he somehow managed to sail all the way to India, despite evidence to the contrary. If you ever wanted to know why Native Americans were called "Indians" in old westerns, this is the very stupid reason why.

### Crimes against humanity[edit]

Current controversies surrounding Columbus in the U.S. involve the implications of his "discoveries" for the native populations, e.g. enslaving them, committing genocide, forced conversion, and stealing their gold. One article from Vox declares him "a homicidal tyrant who initiated the two greatest crimes in the history of the Western Hemisphere, the Atlantic slave trade, and the American Indian genocide."[2] Essentially, even if he didn't commit certain crimes, basically anything bad that happened in the United States to the Native population can be traced back to him in one way or another. This legacy is even more notable because many imperialists have used Columbus's actions and image to justify their actions. During Manifest destiny, one particularly famous painting saw "Columbia, the female figure of America, leads Americans into the West and into the future by carrying the values of republicanism (as seen through her Roman garb) and progress (shown through the inclusion of technological innovations like the telegraph) and clearing native peoples and animals, seen being pushed into the darkness."[3] And yes, Columbia is the imagined goddess form of Christopher Columbus.[4] Given Manifest Destiny has been compared to a genocide by some,[5] it is easy to understand why the association has caused Columbus's name to be less endearing than it once was.

Columbus's soldiers killed and enslaved with impunity at every landing. When Columbus fell ill in 1495, "what little restraint he had maintained over his men disappeared as he went through a lengthy period of recuperation. The troops went wild, stealing, killing, raping, and torturing natives, trying to force them to divulge the whereabouts of the imagined treasure-houses of gold." According to Las Casas, 50,000 natives perished during this period. Upon his recovery, Columbus organized his troops' efforts, forming a squadron of several hundred heavily armed men and more than twenty attack dogs. The men tore across the land, killing thousands of sick and unarmed natives. Soldiers would use their captives for sword practice, attempting to decapitate them or cut them in half with a single blow.[6]

The natives attempted to fight back against Columbus's men but lacked their armor, guns, swords, and horses. When taken prisoner, they were hanged or burned to death. Desperation led to mass suicides and infanticide among the natives. In just two years under Columbus's governorship, more than half of the 250,000 native Arawaks in modern-day Haiti were dead.[7] The main cause for the depopulation was disease, followed by other causes such as warfare and harsh enslavement.[8]

Columbus was even controversial in his own day, with the King and Queen of Spain being forced to investigate accusations of him being a tyrant during his time as governor and viceroy of the Indies.[9] Columbus's slavery was similarly controversial due to it being a total violation of the religions laws from that era. Essentially, in order to enslave somebody they had to be somebody who made the decision to reject Christianity and was captured in a just war, neither of which applied to the people Columbus enslaved.[10][11] This is important to note because many of Columbus's apologists will insist that he should be judged by the standards of his time as opposed those of today. In one video defending Columbus for PragerU, for example, Michael Knowles says that it's "unfair to judge someone who lived 500 years ago by today’s standards."[12] However, even by the standard of five centuries ago Columbus engaged in many brutal actions which cast into question the claims of him being a moral person.

Another important critic of Columbus from this time is his fellow Spaniard Bartolomé de Las Casas. Originally of the belief that God had sent Columbus to discover the Americans[10] he later gained fame among historians for how he "fought for justice and freedom for Indigenous people of the New World." According to him "God was testing the loyal Catholic nation of Spain to see if it could be just and merciful, and in Las Casas’ opinion, the country failed God’s test miserably."[13] Regarding his work Destruction of the Indies, one writer notes "Spain’s enemies pounced on the book as proof that the Spaniards were depraved, cruel, and undeserving of a colonial empire, which has hurt his stature in Spain ever since."[14] Although some have argued this was more because of politics than any real moral objection to what Columbus did, it does at least show those around the world had some understanding of how terrible the actions he was alleged to have engaged in were.

## Origins[edit]

Columbus arrives in the New World, bringing the sword, the cross and dozens of horny sailors who are eager to get ashore and have a shag.

Columbus was born in Genoa, Italy. His origins are not a subject of debate amongst serious historians, though especially among amateur historians there is the occasional alternative origin theory. Some have pointed out he may have been Jewish, escaping the inquisition that engulfed Spain after the expulsion of the Moors. No evidence for this theory exists, however. In fact, since Columbus had plenty of enemies, sooner or later one of them would have pointed out his Jewishness. During his lifetime, he was accused of a lot of things, but being Jewish was not one of them. Others have suggested he may have had Portuguese, Galician, Catalan, Armenian or Greek origins.[15][16][17][18][19][20] Coincidentally, the proponents of those theories are Portuguese, Galician, Catalan, Armenian and Greek, respectively.[citation needed]

A variant of the conjecture that Columbus might have been a Jew fleeing the inquisition is the theory that some of his crew were crypto-Jews and crypto-Muslims fleeing the inquisition.[21] There is little evidence for this, and there are decrees from the royal family that noble persons with Jewish or Muslim pre-Reconquista ancestors could not be conquistadors in the New World. Nonetheless, there were indeed crypto-Jewish conquistadors at least in Mexico, who became conquistadors in order to secretly practice their faith far away from Iberia. As the inquisition applied to the New World, whenever these conquistadors' secret faith was discovered, they were executed.[22]

## Lies to children[edit]

Although this is frequently used as an image of Columbus, it was painted ten years after his death and is believed to actually be a portrait of a Bolognese cleric.[23]

Centuries after his death, Columbus's life story and his exploration of the Americas became overtime (from various propagandists and "historians") so warped and divorced from reality that the commonly depicted, pop culture version of him might as well be a fictional character. For instance, American schoolchildren are often taught the following rhyme to remember when Columbus found America (even though he thought it was India for his entire life and was definitely not the one to "discover" it):

> In fourteen hundred and ninety two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Another legend and so-called factoid around Columbus is that he sailed around the Earth to prove that it wasn't flat and that his sailors were fearful that he would cause them to fall off the edge. Thus, before Columbus and Columbus alone, everyone thought the Earth was flat. As it was known to ancient Greeks that the world certainly was round this is, of course, nonsense (although whether common people were aware of the fact is debatable, as many people even today think the earth is flat, despite conventional wisdom and modern science saying that it isn't). The myth further gets confused by conflicting legends that it was Columbus who thought the Earth was flat and that the sailors thought the world was round and they would "slip off the rounded edge" or something.

Another lie is that the Portuguese rejected his request for funding because they thought the world was flat. They knew perfectly well that it was round, and they also knew that Columbus had grossly underestimated its size. He calculated the voyage from the Canary Islands to Japan to be about 3,700 km, when in reality it was more like 19,600 km, much too far for any ship of the time to travel without making port. In short, if he hadn't run into land completely by accident, Columbus and his crew would have run out of food and water well before reaching Asia. This is part of why Spain was willing to fund him. At the time Spain was not a major naval or colonial power (in fact, at the time, Portugal, the Ottomans, and, arguably, Venice were the only such major naval and colonial powers in Europe), and had relatively little to lose. They had no real reputation which might be damaged (as Portugal did) and the cost for the Spanish Monarchy was fairly small (about the cost of a single state banquet). Spain funded the expedition figuring he would find something in between the Canary Islands and Japan so they could shove it in Portugal's face, or they would be out a small sum of money and there would be one less irritating Italian in the world.

## Washington Irving[edit]

The great bulk of the above misinformation about Columbus is courtesy of Washington Irving, the author of "Rip Van Winkle" and "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow". In 1826 Irving published A History of the Life and Voyages of Christopher Columbus, which recast Columbus as a pioneering crusader against European ignorance, and hence an archetype of the "rugged American hero". That interpretation was wildly popular with an American audience looking for reasons to feel superior to Europeans, and the book became both a bestseller and the definitive reference on the life of Columbus until well into the 20th century. Despite its enduring popularity, Irving's account has been dismissed by historians as "fanciful and sentimental" and the product of "an active imagination".[24][25]

## Columbus Day[edit]

In the United States, there is a Federal holiday in honor of Columbus on the second Monday of October.[note 3] This holiday is the subject of controversy due to Columbus's rather violent legacy. The Italian-American community often sponsors Columbus Day celebrations, and Native American groups often protest these. However, since it allows a few adults a paid day off from work and children a day off from (public) school, many people don't particularly care about the criticism. Seventeen states and a growing number of cities, however, are increasingly not celebrating Columbus Day in favor of Indigenous Peoples Day.[26] Joe Biden was the first U.S. president to officially recognize Indigenous People's Day.[27]

## The Magic Voyage[edit]

Poster for The Magic Voyage

Did you know that Columbus originally thought the world was a cube until a friendly woodworm named Pico told him otherwise? How about the fact that said woodworm had a relationship with a Fairy Princess from the moon? For that matter, were you aware of Columbus's battle with the evil swarm lord? If these all sound like utter nonsense, you're right, and these are also all concepts which come from the 1992 animated film The Magic Voyage.

## See also[edit]

* Myths within science

## External links[edit]

* Another poem: Please Mr. Columbus
* Dickipedia's not-at-all-biased article on Columbus

## Notes[edit]

1. ↑ The peoples of Siberia and Alaska appeared to have rare contact with one another, but the knowledge of foreign lands did not seem to spread outside of this region
2. ↑ Leif Ericson, the Icelandic explorer credited with discovering/settling North America nearly five centuries prior to Columbus, converted to Christianity around 1000 CE, and was, in fact, attempting to spread the religion to Greenland at the time. But shhhh, don't tell the revisionists!
3. ↑ In Spain, Columbus is celebrated the 12th day of October ("Día de la Hispanidad").

## References[edit]

1. ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2020/06/15/columbus-never-set-foot-here-why-do-we-remember-him/
2. ↑ 9 reasons Christopher Columbus was a murderer, tyrant, and scoundrel
3. ↑ Manifest Destiny Painting, 1872
4. ↑ Columbus never set foot here. Why do we remember him?
5. ↑ The California Native American Genocide
6. ↑ Stannard, David E. (18 November 1993). American Holocaust: The Conquest of the New World. Oxford University Press. p. 70. ISBN 0-19-508557-4. Retrieved 1 May 2015.
7. ↑ Zinn, Howard (2003). A People's History of the United States. New York: HarperCollins. pp. 1–22. ISBN 0-06-052837-0.
8. ↑ Alfred W. Crosby, The Columbian Exchange Westport, 1972, p. 47.
9. ↑ Lost document reveals Columbus as tyrant of the Caribbean
10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 The Truth About Columbus - Knowing Better Refuted | BadEmpanada
11. ↑ The Other Slavery: The Uncovered Story of Indian Enslavement in America by Andrés Reséndez
12. ↑ Celebrating Columbus
13. ↑ Biography of Bartolomé de Las Casas, Spanish Colonist
14. ↑ Let’s Drop Christopher Columbus, and Celebrate Bartolomé de las Casas
15. ↑ Expertos confirman, «sin duda alguna», que Colón era gallego
16. ↑ Cristovão Colon (Colombo) era Português
17. ↑ Cristobal Colón era gallego.
18. ↑ Découverte récente du vrai nom et de la nationalité de Christophe Colomb.
19. ↑ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Origin_theories_of_Christopher_Columbus#cite_note-126
20. ↑ ¿Era Cristobal Colón un noble catalán?
21. ↑ Was Columbus secretly a Jew?, CNN, May 24, 2012
22. ↑ My Family Were Hidden Jews for Over 500 Years. Not Anymore., HeyAlma, November 9, 2020
23. ↑ Christopher Columbus - what did he look like?, christopher-columbus.eu
24. ↑ Provost, Foster. Columbus: An Annotated Guide to the Scholarship on His Life and Writings, 1750 to 1988, Omnigraphics, 1991, p44
25. ↑ Jones, Brian: Washington Irving, Arcade Publishing 2008, p. 240
26. ↑ What is Indigenous Peoples Day? Is it a federal holiday?, Hallie Golden and Christine Fernando, Federal Times 6 October 2023
27. ↑ A Proclamation on Indigenous Peoples’ Day, 2021, whitehouse.gov 8 October 2021