Dick Cheney

Fuck off, Senator.

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Oh, c'mon, you knew this was coming.^[1]

Richard Bruce "Dead-Eye Dick"^[3] "Darth"^[4] "Iron Ass"^[5] "Satan"^[6] "Hitler"^[7] Cheney is an American mortician former CEO, Congressman, SecDef, and VP (2001—2009) who labors under the idea that the U.S. is an oil company with an army. He is otherwise known for his heart problems associated with a lack of one. Fun fact: He was so evil that he lost his heart, and his heartbeat was maintained by an external heart pump for almost 2 years, meaning medically, he had no pulse and was literally a zombie.

It is generally acknowledged that while Bush was in the press more often, Cheney was more influential, to the point where you could honestly peg everything the administration did on Dick, Don, and Wolfie.^[8] There's a pretty good book about him titled Angler.

Origins[edit]

A relic of the Nixon years,^[9] he laid a shaky foundation for the U.S. as reflected in his mantra "deficits don't matter."^[10]

Later, he gave experience to the 2000 Republican Ticket ticket, since Dubya was seen as kind of a joke. It's because Cheney had a lot more foreign-policy experience; additionally, he was director of the Council on Foreign Relations and sat on two other foreign-policy think tanks, including the American Enterprise Institute. His presence on the ticket was probably meant to complement W's lack thereof: Bush had no foreign-policy experience prior to being elected, and by his own admission thought he would be a domestic president. Cheney didn't seem to care too much about what was going on domestically so, without 9/11, Cheney would not have been as impactful.

Moonlighting[edit]

He hails from Casper, Wyoming, though he switched to Texas residency while running Halliburton. An obscure rule prevents any elector from voting for both a president and a vice president from his own state, thus necessitating the "move" back to Wyoming. He lives in Virginia and Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, for the most part.^[11]

Back when Bush was running his 2000 campaign, he put Cheney in charge of vetting his potential VP picks. Cheney raked them all over the coals, found all the skeletons in their closets...and then announced that none of these guys were a good fit, and that Bush should pick him instead.^[12]

Any power a VP has is entirely at the suffrage of the President, be it by design or ignorance. In Cheney's case, he sought to be the sole advisor to W. by having all others transmit their info through him. Interestingly, he cared less about the top spots of various agencies; instead he sought to fill the deputy and undersecretary positions with his people. These lesser positions often wield more influence on policy and the day-to-day running of government than the figureheads do. Cheney was tasked with staffing the administration in 2000, while everyone else was busying themselves with hanging, chads etc. Because it took so long to resolve the election, he had plenty of time to shape it to his liking.^[13] The White House held dozens of secret meetings with oil executives by 2001.^[14]

Then there was the Office of Special Plans. This was the special not-so-secret office that Cheney set up inside the Pentagon. Turns out they were doing a bunch of Iraq War planning. Then he set up his secret Energy Task Force. Again, the VP of the USA starts having secret meetings with energy industry people, behind closed doors. Well, it was pretty obvious what was going on at the time, but now we have some materials from those meetings and — wouldn't you know it — they included Iraq oil field maps.

Cheney thought the Vice President was part of some Fourth Branch.^[15] He claimed he was not part of the Executive Branch, contradicting the US Constitution. Article I of the Constitution says the VP is President of the Senate and casts a vote when there is a tie. His argument was that because he has legislative functions, he can't simply be classified as "executive." Then he claimed executive privilege to avoid accountability.^[16]

Vice, in his case, means "second in rank and acting as deputy for". That means the vice-president is subordinate to the president. The president is part of the executive branch. Other meanings for "vice" that might apply:

☑ immoral activity (e.g. prostitution)
☑ wicked or evil conduct or habits; corruption
☑ a jester or buffoon
☑ a particular form of depravity

Inside Man[edit]

Cheney didn't serve in Vietnam for "other priorities".^[17] What "other priorities" were there, Dick?

Cheney's relationship with Halliburton began when he was still SecDef under Bush the First. He paid them $9 mil to perform "studies" on which parts of the Pentagon could be outsourced.^[19] After leaving the Defense Department, he went to work as Halliburton's CEO during the Clinton years. Then he came back as VP under Bush the Second. Once in office, he ordered the EPA to remove whole sections on climate change from their 2002 and 2003 reports.^[20] Christine Todd Whitman (R-NJ), then-EPA administrator, described the process as “brutal.”^[21]

Coincidentally, Halliburton was offered all kinds of no-bid contracts in Iraq, often just taking money (upwards of $138 billion) for doing absolutely nothing.^[22] Their shoddy construction and electricians killed troops, including an incident with an electrified shower.^[23][24] Nobody saw jail, because in their contract there was a clause that gave them full immunity, regardless of whether it was unaccidental.^[25] All told, Halliburton made somewhere between $35-$40 billion on the war,^[26][27] which was fought on the cheap. Dick Cheney does not live in the same moral universe at the rest of us.

Rome also had people running around with their own private armies.^[28][29] Ahh, America...just a river away...

In 1994, Cheney was interviewed and explained quite sensibly why invading Iraq and overthrowing the Hussein regime would have been a terrible idea.^[30] Since all the arguments he made then still seemed just as valid in 2003, wonder what changed his mind.

Sith Lord recalled to duty[edit]

Even Cheney, who personally signed off on instances of water boarding,^[31] couldn't stomach Donald Trump's campaign rhetoric. When Trump called for immigrants to be banned from the USA on the basis of religion alone, Cheney condemned it.^[32] It is black and latex, but his heart beats nonetheless. (Liz Cheney's heart just kind of whirs.)^[33]

Cheney and Condi Rice (both oil executives) worked behind the scenes to confirm Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State.^[34] Back when we were gearing up for Gulf War II, Republicans said with a straight face and with utter conviction that the no-bids with Halliburton weren't suspicious in the slightest, because Cheney was no longer on the board of directors.^[35] Democrats were eager to see if the same retorts would come up again re: Tillerson and Exxon.^[36]

The imperial presidency… but only as it suits him[edit]

In 1987, when Cheney was a Congressional representative, he was the ranking minority member of the Select Committee to investigate the Iran-Contra Affair. The minority's report quote mined Thomas Jefferson to make him look like a monarchist, even though Jefferson was one of the most anti-monarchist members of the Founding Fathers. The report argued:^[37]:465

Cheney later stood by his claim that presidents can freely break the law after he became Vice President,^[38] thus ushering in the assumption of presidential impunity under Trump.

During Cheney tenure as Vice President, a Congressional committee inserted unusual text into the 2004 edition of the Plum Book that is used to announce positions for appointment:^[39]:226

Cheney later elaborated on that text, claiming that the Vice President's office was part of the legislative branch rather than the executive branch, and therefore not subject to Congressional oversight.^[40][41] Cheney's spokesperson even left open the possibility that the Vice President's office might belong to a fourth branch of government,^[42] one not actually specified in the Constitution.

Perhaps realizing that an imperial presidency is wrong (or just because he wasn't a part of the action this time), in 2022, Cheney supported his daughter, Congresswoman Liz Cheney, in her primary election and for her work on the Congressional January 6 Committee, while opposing Trump's anti-Constitutionalism.^[43]

Keep It Gay[edit]

Cheney's daughter Mary is a lesbian who has been "out of the closet" for years; due to her previous job as "gay and lesbian corporate relations manager" for the Coors Brewing Company, she has been unironically described as a "professional lesbian."^[44]

Mary's mother Lynne wrote a book, Sisters: The Novel of a Strong and Beautiful Woman Who Broke All the Rules of the American Frontier, that is absolutely not about lesbians.

In 2004, when Cheney was running for re-election on an opposition to same-sex marriage and Mary was part of his campaign staff, his daughter's sexuality was brought up during both the Presidential and Vice Presidential debates. In response, John Kerry was accused by many wingnuts of "outing" her,^[45] and his VP pick John Edwards was criticized for even mentioning her. Cheney himself described himself as "a pretty angry father" in response.

Cheney was a critic of the military's DADT policy during his tenure as Secretary of Defense, calling the policy a "bit of an old chestnut."^[46] Nonetheless, when Republicans tried to shoehorn a ban on gay marriage into the Constitution, Cheney said that he personally opposed the policy but would still support it both as a Republican and as Vice President.

After the end of his second term as Vice President, he actually came out explicitly in favor of same-sex marriage,^[47] and lobbied Maryland lawmakers to support their Governor's attempt to legalize it.^[48] Things got spicy again when Liz Cheney, running for office in Wyoming, essentially ran to the right of the Bush administration−along with her proposal to stop gay marriages from being federally recognized^[49] (we're surprised that she didn't invade the Castro District before the smoking gun came in the form of a mushroom cloud over an American city).

Reputation[edit]

It has been reported that even Dick Cheney's friends refer to him as "Vader," although Cheney is less ethical. He also, notably, shot one of them in the face with a shotgun during a 2006 hunting trip in south Texas (and somehow that's the least grotesque thing he did).^[51] But who among us hasn't mistaken a grown man for a quail, and then shot him, at some time in their life, eh? After all, accidents do happen. And "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." The truly hilarious part is that the friend later apologized for "all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through"^[52] because he got in the way of Cheney's shotgun.

One person who probably doesn't count Dick as a friend is Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT), who, rather than a face-full of birdshot, received a "go fuck yourself" from Dick on the Senate floor.^[53]

As George H.W. Bush's Defense Secretary, Cheney commissioned a study on how many tactical nuclear weapons he'd need to take out a division of Saddam Hussein’s Republican Guard. Additionally, journalist Seymour Hersh reported that Cheney also considered using nuclear bunker-busters against Iran’s underground uranium enrichment facilities.^[54]

For some reason, Cheney kept several man-sized safes in his office.^[55]

The moral of this article?[edit]

Don't be a Dick like Cheney.

See also[edit]

• NSA — See Edward Snowden's exposure of "PRISM", again started by Cheney.^[56]
• Mike "Dating a Guy? Arbeit Macht Frei" Pence — Cheney 2.0? The difference being, when you think Pence, you don't think of KBR and $600 toilet seats. You think of retired Buzz Lightyear the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which Pence was responsible for.
• Steve Bannon — Oh well, if he has experience in banking then of course he should be running foreign policy. SWAMP DRAINED
• John C. Calhoun — the answer to the question "Did we ever have a worse VP than him?"

External links[edit]

• New Cheney Memoir Reveals He's Going To Live Full, Satisfied Life Without Ever Feeling Remorse And There's Nothing We Can Do About It
• America's Worst Vice Presidents: Richard B. Cheney, Time
• The Dumbest Vice Presidential Picks of All Time: Dick Cheney, Esquire
• Dick Cheney cancels trip to Canada, saying it's too dangerous, LA Times
• New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love, The Onion
• Flight of the ChickenHawks

References[edit]