The Five

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The Five is a program that appears on Fox News where you can enjoy watching four very paranoid ultraconservatives shout down an also paranoid liberal pundit, basically a dogpile of "professional assholes".^[1] Like Fox and Friends, it has endured constant mockery from both comedians and liberal blogs due to the stupidity of their pundits.

Overview/Silliness[edit]

The show is extremely fast-paced and is obviously set up more for attention-grabbing entertainment than it is for actually educating the public. The hosts have been caught spreading conspiracy theories and woo repeatedly without penalty, and in one of the more infamous moments of the show all of the Republican pundits on air claimed a worksheet teaching the distributive property of algebra^{[note 1]} to schoolchildren was part of a liberal plot to indoctrinate children with the idea of redistributing wealth.^[2]

Other wackiness includes global warming denialism on a regular basis,^[3] claiming feminism encourages women to commit paedophilia,^[4] comparing the debt ceiling to a "wife and her credit cards,"^[5] and advocating the idea of taking away welfare from the family members of criminals in order to "lower" the crime rate.^[6] Pretty much all of the Republican pundits to appear thus far accept it as an obvious truth that the media is liberal and plotting against the GOP.

The show got in hot water again when pundit Eric Bolling started fantasizing about Guantanamo Bay inmates hanging themselves because it would save taxpayer dollars,^[7] something his co-hosts let him go on about without disagreement.

The token liberal, Bob Beckel, is mainly there to get yelled at by the four hardliners. Occasionally Beckel will make a hard turn to outrageousness (usually on social issues), such as when he said he didn't want any more mosques built in America until we know who the "terrorists" are. His co-hosts saw this as a something to cheer for, as he got high fived by a co-host shortly after expressing this belief.^[8]

Hosts[edit]

Greg Gutfeld: Tried to be the right-wing Jon Stewart but wasn't relatable or funny enough to pull it off. Now he gives monologues against liberals in the openings, railing against the lie-berals and whatever they're up to. Hilariously, he likes throwing around the phrase "false consciousness" a lot despite its Marxist origins.^[9]^[10] If you haven't heard of him before, he was the guy joining Ann Coulter a few years ago in wanting to invade Canada to teach them a lesson in military complacency. He also used to write for that paragon of journalistic integrity, Maxim Magazine.
Eric Bolling: A former businessman who doesn't know what a recession is and has the stupidest moments out of the pundits to appear.^[11]
Kimberly Guilfoyle: Hates Obama with a passion, saying that voting for him would cause America to "fail."^[12]
Dana Perino: Former Press Secretary for George Bush. Said women who were victims of violence (murder, specifically) should make better decisions.^[13]
Bob Beckel: The token liberal on economic matters, and he believes in global warming. However, he has also taken stances to the right of his co-hosts (as mentioned above) and has a history of making gaffes, possibly because he's more of a strategist than a debater. He's also stated other stupid shit, such as claiming that rape isn't that common at college.
Juan Williams: Usually shows up to replace Beckel if Beckel can't be there. He's a more capable debater and can counter the other hosts better. More centrist than liberal, and has said... controversial things about Muslims, and he's been accused of being something of an opportunist, becoming more conservative while on Fox and more moderate while at NPR.^[14]
Katie Pavlich: Yep, she's here too. A pundit so unhinged she warrants her own article about her descent into tin foil hat territory by embracing insane conspiracy theories and gun nuttery.
Andrea Tantaros: Anti-feminist in the same vein as Phyllis Schlafly,^[15]who once stated that Obama allowed the torture report to be released because "America is awesome and he thinks that we're not awesome."

External links[edit]

"Big fucking mistake, Bob. How 'bout I take your suspenders and hang you by your balls?"

Notes[edit]

↑ $a(x+y)=ax+ay$

References[edit]

[2] $a(x+y)=ax+ay$

[1] My peaceful stroll through the heart of America's war zone, Oakland's Lake Merritt by Drew Magary (July 21, 2024) SFGate.

[3] You thought that was a joke?

[4] Damn warmists!

[5] ttp://mediamatters.org/video/2013/06/25/the-5-worst-moments-from-the-fives-500-episodes/194605

[6] ttp://mediamatters.org/video/2011/07/11/foxs-gutfeld-on-raising-the-debt-ceiling-its-li/145653

[7] ttp://mediamatters.org/video/2013/08/23/dana-perinos-crime-deterrent-proposal-take-welf/195575

[8] ttp://mediamatters.org/video/2013/09/04/foxs-bolling-suggests-saving-taxpayer-money-by/195728

[9] ttp://mediamatters.org/video/2013/07/09/beckel-i-would-not-have-another-mosque-built-in/194794

[10] He uses it against Jon Stewart here but he's used it on other occasions as well

[11] Here he is using it to describe the HuffPost as well

[12] Would you trust him with your money?

[13] ttp://mediamatters.org/video/2012/07/27/foxs-kimberly-guilfoyle-re-elect-president-obam/187358

[14] ttp://mediamatters.org/video/2012/12/05/perinos-advice-to-women-who-are-victims-of-viol/191702

[15] ttp://www.npr.org/blogs/ombudsman/2009/02/juan_williams_npr_and_fox_news_1.html

[16] ttp://mediamatters.org/research/2013/06/06/fox-host-andrea-tantaros-war-on-women/194376

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