Scotland

Och aye. It's Bonnie Scotland.

Scotland

Demographics
Population:	5,439,842
GDP (million):	200,117
GDP p/cap.:	49,845
Life expectancy:	81.30 (UK)
Development Index:	0.940 (UK)

Government
Democracy Index:	8.28 (UK)
Corruption Index:	71 (UK)

More
Education Index:	0.948 (UK)
Religiosity:	27 (UK)

Scotland (Scottish Gaelic: Alba) is a mystical country where people wear kilts and blue face paint and shout for FREEDOM!!! against English oppression while charging into battle with their claymores. It exists only in Mel Gibson's imagination.^[2]

The real Scotland is a constituent country of the United Kingdom, located just north of England. While Scotland is indeed known for its centuries-long struggle against English rule, the country is more notable today for its socially progressive political scene, its status as a major oil producer, and its recent repudiations of the Scottish independence movement in both a 2014 referendum and the 2024 UK elections. Scotland is a majority non-religious country, with 51.1% of respondents saying they had "no religion" in the 2022 census.^[3] It is also the home of haggis,^[4][5] golf, the Loch Ness Monster, and unfortunately JK Rowling too. Glasgow, a major city in Scotland, was once dubbed the "Murder Capital of Europe"^[6] due to something called "knife crime" (!) which the Scottish government spent decades campaigning against.^[7] So don't piss off a Scot. There's a chance they might cut you.

The region that is now Scotland famously never submitted to the Roman Empire despite repeated invasions, and after Roman collapse Scotland came under the influence of Gaelic culture and the new Christian religion spread by missionaries from Ireland. Raids by the Vikings sparked a push for unification, which was militarily accomplished by Kenneth MacAlpin. He founded the Kingdom of Scotland in 843 CE. During the Middle Ages, Scotland frequently fought its wealthier and more populous southern neighbor. The most notable of these conflicts were the Wars of Scottish Independence, which lasted from 1296 to 1328 and then 1332 to 1357. This is where we got famous Scottish heroes like William Wallace and King Robert the Bruce as well as the traditional "Auld Alliance" with England's other main enemy, France.

In 1371, Scotland came under the rule of the House of Stuart, which led it through the processes of acquiring land from Norway and enduring the turbulent Protestant Reformation. In 1603, King James IV Stuart became the King of England, uniting the two former enemies under one crown. The Stuart monarchs clashed with the English Parliament, though, and this political conflict saw Scotland dragged into the English Civil War. Despite this, Scotland became more and more integrated with England, and Scotland partnered with England in settling Protestants in the majority Catholic Ireland in an attempt to help subdue it. An economic crisis around the year 1702 sparked interest in full political unification with England, an agenda which was realized with the passage of the Acts of Union in 1707. Scotland and England became a single country, although Scotland still had some degree of autonomy. This remained the case until Scotland's government was reestablished in 1998.

History[edit]

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An ancient stone circle on the Isle of Lewis.

Ancient history[edit]

As far as anyone knows, humans have inhabited Scotland for about 12,000 years, and these ancient peoples dotted the landscape with stone monuments and tombs.^[8] Stone is plentiful in the rugged landscape of Scotland, so it was a common building material. Around 2000 BCE, Irish traders introduced bronze to Scotland, and trade flourished between the two regions.^[9]

Around the year 900 CE, Celts from continental Europe began migrating into Scotland; they brought a shared culture and their knowledge of iron-working.^[9] The Celtic migration was not always peaceful, a fact attested to by the presence of battlefields and early forts. However, they successfully intermingled with the indigenous peoples of Scotland, and their culture became entrenched. The Celts called themselves "Cruithne" (the painted ones) as they wore face paint and dyed their bodies.^[9] They would later be called "Picti" (painted) by the Romans. Celtic society was organized into clans led by a single chieftain, and the Celtic class structure placed warriors at the top, priests, bards and merchants in the middle, and artisans, farmers, and slaves at the bottom.^[9]

Roman invasions[edit]

Ruins of a broch in southern Scotland, built roughly during the Roman occupation.

The Roman Empire famously invaded the Isle of Britain in 43 CE and occupied what is now England, bloodily suppressing rebellions along the way. Although the Romans didn't immediately expand northwards, they were concerned about raiding from the clans of Scotland (or, as they called it, "Caledonia"). In 79 CE, Roman governor Gnaeus Julius Agricola launched an invasion of Scotland, successfully occupying most of the region until Roman emperor Domitian withdrew some of his forces to confront a threat closer to the imperial core.^[10] The Romans withdrew further south and constructed the famous Hadrian's Wall after Emperor Hadrian visited the region in 122 CE and decided that the Roman frontier first needed to be defended if it was to be expanded.^[10] Hadrian's successor, Antoninus Pius, decided to push the border further and construct the Antonine Wall in 139 CE, but it was abandoned after his death due to the difficulty of defending it.^[11]

As we can see, the Romans succeeded at invading Scotland on multiple occasions and yet declined to establish a permanent presence. Scotland had proven just too expensive to conquer; the Picts were extremely effective at guerrilla warfare, and the mountainous terrain made it difficult for the Romans to counter them.^[11] The Scottish landscape seemingly didn't offer enough to justify the effort.

Afterwards, the Romans largely left the Picts alone, but their presence was a threat that compelled the Picts to politically unite.^[12] By 306 CE, the Picts had gone on the offensive by launching attacks on Hadrian's Wall.^[11] As the Roman Empire weakened elsewhere, it began withdrawing military assets from Britain, leading to further weakness and more Pictish raids. Combined with incursions from the Angles and Saxons from northern Germany, this pressure caused Roman governance in Britain to gradually collapse. The Romans withdrew from Britain completely in 410 CE in order to deal with matters on continental Europe.^[10]

Christianity, Vikings, and unification[edit]

Iona Abbey, Scotland's most important Early Christian religious site. Rebuilt 1200 CE.

Unfortunately, Scottish history at this point is very spotty due to a lack of contemporary records. What we do know is this:

After the Roman withdrawal, Scotland was divided into three political groups. The first were the Picts in central Scotland, who divided into a cluster of small lordships and took slaves from those who were captured in war.^[13] Further south was the Anglo-Saxon Kingdom of Northumbria, which had spread its territory into southern Scotland. Finally, to the west, there was the Kingdom of Dál Riata, which spread Gaelic language culture into Scotland. The Gaels, as they are known, probably came from Ireland, but the Irish and Scottish Gaelic languages diverged quite significantly.^[14]

Ruins of Dunnottar Castle, which was built to defend against Viking raids.

This is the period during which Christianity first came to Scotland. The bishop today known as Saint Ninian is credited with being the first Christian missionary in Scotland, establishing a church and monastery in 397 CE and converting many people.^[15] Although it was slow, the conversion of the Scottish peoples to Christianity was evident in the shift in their artistic styles and subjects.^[16] The Irish missionary Saint Columba arrived at the Scottish island of Iona in 563 CE, established a monastery, and (according to tradition) played a primary role in completing Scotland's conversion to Christianity.^[17] Iona Abbey became a major site of religious pilgrimage and veneration for the Medieval Scots.

Kenneth McAlpin.

From around 793 CE, the Vikings of Scandinavia began raids on Catholic monasteries, as they were wealthy and lightly defended. The religiously important Iona Abbey was hit repeatedly in 795 CE, 802 CE, 806 CE, and 825 CE.^[18] The last raid saw it burned down completely, and its relics were dispersed to other locations for safekeeping. The minor islands around Scotland were useful to the Vikings as a series of ports to handle and ship looted goods back to Scandinavia and harbor raiding forces headed to the fertile lands further south.^[19] The people of Scotland also lacked the military sophistication to present a major threat to the Viking invaders. Over time, the Norse built up enough of a presence in Scotland to threaten the squabbling petty kingdoms there.

In 839 CE, King Ailpín of the Dal Raita fell in battle against an alliance of Picts right before a large Viking army intervened to take advantage of the madness.^[19] The Vikings killed multiple Pictish kings, and Ailpín’s son, Cináed, used the resulting power vacuum to conquer much of the Pictish territories.^[19] He is now known to history as Kenneth McAlpin, and his actions (which included massacring a bunch of guys at a feast) resulted in the military unification of Scotland under his kingship.^[20] He spent the rest of his reign solidifying his rule against rebels and pretenders, and his dynasty's rule Scotland was secure by his death in 858 CE. He struck terms with the Vikings, allowing them to settle across the northern coast and islands as long as they left the rest of Scotland alone.^[21]

The Kingdom of Scotland[edit]

David I and his successor, Malcolm IV "the Maiden".

Instability, expansion, and England too[edit]

The late 900s CE were a turbulent time for England, so its kings found it useful to have friendly relations with their northern neighbor. Scotland was thus able to gain some lands diplomatically, and it gained the Brittonic kingdom of Strathclyde by means of royal inheritance.^[22] The Scottish kings also consolidated their territory in the north.

Things weren't so hot in terms of political stability. Scotland's monarchy operated according to the system of tanistry, which meant that any male relative of the king could inherit the throne.^[23] This created confusion during successions, and a lot of Scottish kings died due to murder at the hands of their successor. King Mac Bethad mac Findláig, for instance, took the throne in 1040 after defeating his predecessor Donnchad mac Crinain (Duncan I) in battle and then killing him.^[24] This king is better known by his anglicized name, Macbeth, due to the famous (and almost entirely fictional) play by Shakespeare. Macbeth's real history saw a major war with England over the claims of Duncan I's son, sparking a series of events that led to his violent death in 1057.^[24] For Scotland, this was a horrible development, as England had now shown interest in military intervening in Scottish politics.

Dunstaffnage Castle, built in the 1220s.

Afterwards came the greatly important reign of Dauíd mac Maíl Choluim (David I), which began in 1080 and contributed greatly to shaping Scotland as a nation. David brought English Norman settlers into the southern part of Scotland, leading to a major cultural shift that would see Scotland begin to adopt the English language as its primary means of communication.^[25] He also established new settlements (including Stirling and Perth), began the minting of Scottish coins, and supported Catholic monasteries in establishing local industries.^[25]

Royal arms of Scotland, adopted by William the Lion.

David's successor, Malcolm IV, did not have so productive of a reign, as he was forced to make territorial concessions to England in 1157.^[26] England had greater wealth and population than Scotland, and its ruling Plantagenet dynasty now controlled vast territories in France. So it was understandable, to us at least, that Malcolm judged that England was not to be fucked with. It was not understandable to the Scottish nobility, who promptly revolted and plunged the rest of Malcolm's reign into civil war.^[26] Oh, and they also nicknamed him "Malcolm the Maiden". Ouch.

Things went even worse for Scotland during the reign of Uilleam an Leòmhann (William I the Lion), who supported a rebellion against England in 1173 in the hopes of weakening the threat to the south.^[27] Instead, William got himself captured, and he was forced to pay reparations, surrender control of some of his castles, and acknowledge King Henry II of England as his feudal overlord.^[27] Not good, William. Not good. Although Scotland wormed its way out of this arrangement during the Third Crusade, the subsequent kings of England never let go of the idea that Scotland should be beneath them.

William the Lion's successor, Alaxandair mac Uilliam (Alexander II), initially saw his reign plagued by his inability to produce a male heir. The nobles of the realm allegedly decided that, if the king died before he had a son, then Lord Robert Bruce of of Annandale would become the new king as his nearest male relative.^[28] Or at least, this is what Robert Bruce claimed. Remember that name, by the way. Regardless, it was a near-miss; Alexander II got his son about eight years before his death in 1249. His son, King Alexander II, proved himself an effective king by winning a major war against Norway to seize the Hebrides islands and the Isle of Man in 1266.^[29] But within his reign were the seeds of disaster: he married the daughter of England's king Henry III and had to contend with his father-in-law's demands for fealty.^[29] Fuckin' in-laws, man. Alexander III also died without a male heir in 1289, creating a crisis that would give England the perfect excuse to intervene.

The wars for independence (FREEDOM!!!)[edit]

The Battle of Stirling Bridge.

Hoping to prevent the outbreak of a civil war after Alexander III's death, Scotland's nobility invited England's king, Edward I "Longshanks", to arbitrate the succession dispute.^[30] The hope was that having England's military power behind the chosen king would prevent pretenders from dethroning him. In exchange for picking John Balliol to be king, Edward demanded that Scotland's nobles acknowledge him as having "sovereign lordship of Scotland."^[30] He also insisted that King John Balliol pay him homage in London to run his decisions by Edward, which humiliated and infuriated the Scots so much that they deposed Balliol in 1294.^[30]

The Scottish nobles understood quite well that England wasn't about to let this slide, so they struck a military and commercial alliance with another English enemy, France, in 1295.^[31] Although the Auld Alliance served both countries well for the next few centuries, it didn't stop what was about to happen.

Robert Bruce kills an English knight at Bannockburn.

King Edward ordered an invasion of Scotland in 1296, which soon resulted in the wholesale massacre of the city of Berwick. According to 15th century chronicler Walter Bower, English forces spared "no one, whatever the age or sex, and for two days streams of blood flowed from the bodies of the slain … so that mills could be turned round by the flow of their blood."^[32] Meanwhile, outlaw William Wallace and his followers massacred an English garrison at Lanarck Castle in retaliation for the unjust execution of his wife.^[33] This won him attention from the Scottish people and fury from the English. Andrew of Moray, a Scottish noble rebelling in the north, then had his forces link up with Wallace.^[34] Their small army decisively smashed a much larger English force on 11 September, 1297 at the Battle of Stirling Bridge.^[35]

This battle was a legendary victory in Scottish memory, but in reality, the English rallied and came back the next year, defeating Wallace in battle and forcing him into exile in France.^[33] His return to Scotland in 1305 resulted in his capture, brutal torture, and grisly execution at the hands of the English.^[33]

Scotland's cause seemed pretty dead at this point, with much of its nobility pledging allegiance to England. However, Robert Bruce, who claimed the Scottish throne based on his father's allegations from earlier, returned to Scotland from France in 1306.^[32] Unfortunately, he fucked up. His blatant murder of John Comyn, a rival claimant to the throne, alienated much of Scotland and resulted in his excommunication by the pope.^[32] England declared him to be a mere outlaw, but Bruce had himself crowned king anyway.

What followed was a grueling guerilla campaign in which Bruce took advantage of Scotland's rugged landscape to stage hit-and-run raids on the militarily superior English forces. His power base grew, and by 1314, he had control of much of Scotland.^[36] Edward I had also died, leaving his weak-willed son Edward II in charge of the English war effort. 1314 also saw the Battle of Bannockburn, a decisive clash between the two kings that left Bruce victorious and Edward II humiliated.^[37] The war didn't end here, but the battle was a major setback for the English. The war ended with a 1328 treaty in which Edward II renounced all claims to lordship over Scotland in exchange for a bribe.^[38] Bruce, deprived of his main life's purpose of killing Englishmen, died shortly after in 1329.

Bruce's death prompted the Second War of Scottish Independence, when Edward III of England invaded again to place a Balliol claimant on the Scottish throne. This led to more decades of war and English occupation until a peace treaty in 1357 after England's attention was captured by the developing Hundred Years' War in France.^[39] After these wars, England and Scotland, which had previously been on track towards friendship, became hateful enemies.

The Stuarts in Scotland[edit]

Edinburgh Castle, seat of the Stuart monarchs.

Scottish culture and English wars[edit]

The House of Stewart (eventually changed to Stuart), which takes its name from the hereditary title "High Steward of Scotland", took the throne in 1371 after King David II died without issue. The first decades of the Stewart reign were mostly unimpressive, as Scotland was focused inward at the time. In 1468, Scotland received the Shetland and Orkney islands as a marriage dowry from Norway. So, uh, that was nice. Probably the biggest events were the founding of prestigious universities across Scotland such as the University of St Andrews (1413), University of Glasgow (1450), and the University of Aberdeen (1495), and the passage of the Education Act of 1496, which decreed that all sons of landholders should attend grammar schools.^[40] Scotland was influenced by the Renaissance at this time, leading to a development in Scottish culture.^[41]

James IV, who took the throne in 1488, embarked on a major expansion of the Scottish Royal Navy before launching Scotland into a war with England.^[42] English king Henry VII wasn't really in the mood for fighting, so he agreed to a "Treaty of Perpetual Peace" and had James IV marry his daughter, Margaret Tudor, in 1503.^[42] As it turns out, "perpetual peace" means about 10 years, because James IV invaded England in 1513 to honor Scotland's Auld Alliance with France.^[42] Although he led the largest Scottish army ever to enter England (~25,000 men), the invasion was a disaster that resulted in a massive defeat and the king's own death. Damn.

Scotland and the Reformation[edit]

John Knox.

During the early 1500s, the Protestant Reformation started to sweep over Europe. In 1533, England's king Henry VIII had his country join it by forcing through the Act in Restraint of Appeals to cut the papacy out of England's legal system. He followed up in 1534 with the Act of Royal Supremacy, which placed himself as the leader of the Church of England. This all gave Scotland a position of vital importance in European politics, as it had a land border with England that Catholic powers could use as an invasion path.^[43] Scotland's king James V had also married a French noblewoman and fathered a daughter, Mary, in 1542. Mary became Europe's most desirable bachelorette, as she had blood claims to both the English throne (from James IV) and the French one.^[43] Determined to create a dynastic union between England and Scotland, Henry VIII began a brutal and bloody war called the "rough wooing" in 1544 that resulted in the sacking of Edinburgh that same year.^[44] Although Scotland burned and suffered during the war, Henry VIII failed to force the marriage and instead ended the war with nothing but piles of debt.

During this time, the influence of Protestantism gradually grew among Scotland's people. With Mary too young to rule and her mother (Queen Regent Marie de Guise) unpopular, royal authority was weak in Scotland, preventing any effective centralized effort at stomping out the movement.^[43] Scottish Protestant preacher John Knox, who had studied with Calvinists in Switzerland, rallied opposition against Mary and her mother by publishing a pamphlet, "The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women," in 1558.^[45] Scottish nobles who had been swayed to Protestantism (such as the Earls of Argyll, Glencairn and Morton) signed a "Covenant" in which they swore to convert the country.^[46] They decided to call themselves the "Lords of the Congregation". Meanwhile, John Knox gave a sermon in May 1559 that was so inflammatory that it sparked a deadly riot across the city of Perth.^[46] When Marie tried to intervene, the Lords of the Congregation rebelled with help from English queen Elizabeth I.^[46] Marie, understandably, died of stress that year.

Without any kind of royal authorization, the Lords of the Congregation assembled a body called the Reformation Parliament in 1560, which outlawed Catholic worship in Scotland.^[43] It also organized various Protestant thinkers such as John Knox to set doctrine for the Church of Scotland. The Church took on a decidedly Calvinist flavor, with church buildings stripped of religious art and whitewashed so attendees would focus on Jesus rather than images.

Scotland in the United Kingdom[edit]

Scotland has enjoyed a hilariously up-and-down relationship with the rest of the United Kingdom. Scotland fought England over political and provincial issues in the early middle ages. However, relations between the two countries eventually stabilised to the extent that they decided to become a unified state along with Wales in 1707. In 2014 after a nail-biting final campaign, (mainly older) Scots voted by a slim 55-45 majority to stay in the United Kingdom.^[47] A post-referendum poll suggested that the 18-24, 55-64, and 65+ age cohorts voted to retain the Union with England, Wales, and Northern Ireland, whereas the 16-17, 25-34, 35-44, and 45-54 cohorts voted to separate.^[48]

With Ireland[edit]

Ireland's ties with Scotland go back a long, long way. In the old days, Scotia referred to Ireland, not to Scotland. However, as Gaelic-speaking Scots managed to gain dominance within several kingdoms in the region, the name "Scots" and "Scotia" came to be applied to Scotland, which had previously been known as Caledonia, and as Alba by Gaels, who wished to be different.

In modern-day Northern Ireland, much of the Protestant community is descended from Scottish (and some northern English) migrants to northern parts of the island, who are today referred to as Ulster-Scots, the ones who settled in Appalachia in the eighteenth century and their descendants in the United States are called Scots-Irish. Despite the Ulster-Scots social/ethnic group being traditionally Protestant unionist in nature, the Catholic Provisional IRA's bombing campaign on mainland Great Britain for a united Irish state throughout the 1970s and 1980s focused on targets solely in England, never targeting Scotland, except for one attack on Sullom Voe oil terminal in Shetland.

Political opinion about the issue of Northern Ireland and the Crown is notably divided in Scotland, with some favouring the continued existence of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. In contrast, others favour the total independence and reunification of the island of Ireland from the Union. Typically, the Old Firm football rivalry between Glasgow football sides Celtic and Rangers FC has been charged with political opinion, with supporters of the teams sometimes favouring independence and unionism, respectively. At Old Firm matches, it is common for Celtic fans to fly the Irish Tricolor. In contrast, Rangers fans tend to fly the Union Flag, as many people in the Glasgow area are descended from Catholic and Protestant Irish immigrants who came to Scotland for work, bringing the sectarian hatreds of their homeland with them; indeed, Celtic was founded to help (mainly Catholic) Irish immigrants - as evidenced by the shamrock on the Celtic club badge - while Rangers mainly catered to the native Protestant Scots as well as Ulster Protestant immigrants. Old Firm bigotry tends to be mostly located in and around Glasgow, in the industrial rust belt, where it is compulsory to vote Labour. Their fans are somewhat confused about the issue of Scottish independence since it doesn't appear to involve Ireland.

Scottish people[edit]

The nature of the Scots can be summed up by the simple observation that Scotland is the only country whose national dress includes a knife in the sock. There are high levels of obesity^[50] due to a diet high in fried foods,^{[note 1]} but they have low blood pressure due to their habit of eating oatmeal (apparently).^[51] Scotland has the world's highest proportion of redheads; approximately 13% of the population has red hair, and about 40% carry the recessive redhead gene.

Scotland was described as a "dark land overrun by homosexuals" by noted international vigilante Pat Robertson.^[52]

Notable contemporary Scottish people include Nicola Sturgeon, Alex Salmond, Gordon Brown, Tony Blair, George Galloway, doctor Gillian McKeith, and David Tennant (more of a Doctor than Gillian any day). Scotland has a vast tradition of great scientists, including Alexander Fleming, Alexander Graham Bell, William Thomson (Lord Kelvin), James Clerk Maxwell, David Brewster (inventor of the kaleidoscope), Robert Watson-Watt, John Dunlop, and more recently, Newcastle-born Peter Higgs.

Other notable, though considerably dead, Scottish people include many progressive thinkers who flourished in what is known as the Scottish Enlightenment from around the mid-18th to mid-19th centuries. Some better-remembered names today include David Hume, James Hutton, Adam Smith and James Watt. Scotland's most famous writers (apart from J.K. Rowling, obviously), Robert Burns, Robert Louis Stevenson, and Walter Scott, lived during this period. More recent authors include fairy-believer Arthur Conan Doyle, fairy-lover J.M. Barrie, and Unionist step-counter John Buchan. Bisexual monarch James VI and I flourished a bit earlier.^{[note 2]}

In Scotland, their only gripe with "Scotch" Americans is that they ruin Edinburgh for a few months every year and make stupid statements about "their clan" or think Braveheart still dominates Scottish political life (a film which aimed to take the wind out of the threat of Scottish nationalism in the late 90s).

Religion[edit]

Scotland is a traditionally Christian country, converted by 1000 CE, largely thanks to the efforts of Irish missionaries such as St Columba (who was the first person to see the Loch Ness Monster^[53]). Initially Celtic Christian, it was brought in greater conformity with Rome by St Margaret in the 11th century.

In the 16th century, the Scottish Reformation happened, thanks partly to noted misogynist and Mariaphobe John Knox. Protestantism gradually spread until Catholicism was restricted to the Gaelic-speaking fringes of the Highlands and islands. More recently, however, Catholicism has had something of a resurgence with Irish and then Polish immigrants meaning there are now more active Catholics than Church of Scotland parishioners.^[54]

In the 18th century, Scottish philosopher David Hume was famed for his atheism, and Scots have often taken a rational approach to religion. Humanist weddings are popular in Scotland, and it is predicted they will soon become more common than church weddings.^[55]

Statistics[edit]

Scotland's religious breakdown, according to the 2011 Census, follows. People are allowed to write their own options without specifying if they are practising, theoretical, self-identification, or bullshit, so some groups apparently have multiple names, and some choices are vague or a bit silly. For instance, it's unclear if the division between Anglican, Church of England, and Scottish Episcopal reflects real differences in doctrine or observance. And people who answer Religion="Church" or "Non-denominational" aren't helping much.^[56]

• All people 5,295,403
• Church of Scotland 1,717,871
• Roman Catholic 841,053
• Other Christian (including Christian related) 291,275
  • Church of England 66,717
  • Christian 36,208
  • Baptist 26,224
  • Episcopalian 21,289
  • Protestant 16,609
  • Evangelical 13,229
  • Pentecostal 12,357
  • Methodist 10,979
  • Free Church of Scotland 10,896
  • Jehovah's Witness 8,543
  • Scottish Episcopal Church 8,048
  • Orthodox Church 6,057
  • Brethren 5,583
  • Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) 4,651
  • Anglican 4,490
  • Salvation Army 4,100
  • Presbyterian 3,553
  • Non Denominational 2,872
  • Lutheran 2,184
  • Congregational Church 2,078
  • United Reform Church 2,021
  • Church of Ireland 2,020
  • Independent 1,933
  • Church 1,909
  • United Free Church of Scotland 1,514
  • Greek Orthodox 1,502
  • Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) 1,339
  • Free Presbyterian 1,197
  • Seventh Day Adventist 1,017
  • Others below 1000
• Other Religions 136,049
  • Muslim (Islam) 76,737
  • Hindu 16,327
  • Buddhist 12,795
  • Sikh 9,055
  • Jewish 5,887
  • Pagan 3,467
  • Spiritualist 3,396
  • Others below 2000
• No Religion 1,941,116

Figures also include "Jedi Knight 11,746", "Mixed Religion 1,774", "Wicca 949", "Heavy Metal 597", "Druid 245", "Own belief system 152", "Vodun 15", and several Asian religions. There are many minority Christian sects listed such as "Christadelphian 352", "Christian Scientist 142", "Christian Spiritualist Church 26", and various national Orthodox churches.

Languages[edit]

The top bit of Britain has always been a place with many languages, where influences from Scandinavia, England, Ireland, and further afield meet. The dominant language is (approximately) English, like wot Charlie speeks. Particularly in the north and west, Gaelic (descended from Old Irish) was widespread into the early modern era until rulers (in both Edinburgh and London) took steps to stamp it out. Once upon a time, Pictish was spoken in the east, Cambric (closely related to Welsh) in the south, and the northern isles spoke Norse as part of Norway. There are also quite a few Polish and South Asian people who still speak their parents' languages. The royal family spoke French for a while, and there were even Latin speakers once upon a time.^[57] Certain nationalists want to deny this complex linguistic heritage and insist that everybody spoke Gaelic till the evil English made them stop.^[58]

The other indigenous language is Scots, which is related to English but dates back to the early Anglian invasion of southeast Scotland in the 6th century CE. Scots was transported to Northern Ireland by Protestant settlers, where, as Ulster-Scots, it is now promoted by Unionists who are jealous of Nationalists and their strange language (Irish).^[59] The precise nature and status of Scots is controversial, with some people insisting it's just a dialect of English or a vulgar way of speaking that isn't proper English; this is complicated by the fact that the term Scots doesn't refer to just one thing. Today, it is used for any language that isn't standard English that is spoken by indigenous residents of Scotland (including Doric - the Anglic dialect of Aberdeenshire - plus the recent urban speech of Glasgow and the Norse-inflected dialects of Orkney and Shetland), but around the 15th and 16th centuries it was the language of the Scottish court and Renaissance Scottish literature.^[60]

Miscellany[edit]

Scotland's national animal is the unicorn.^[61]

Mel Gibson[edit]

The country is populated by rebellious commoners who, in 1995, were led to independence from England by the Australian American Mel Gibson. For that, Gibson won an Academy Award and had Gibson's Law named after him.

Scotch[edit]

Common misconceptions about Scotland are: that it originated Scotch (the sublime beverage), wrestler "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Rod Stewart, Scotch™ transparent tape, and Scott paper towels; and that it has been inhabited for over 10,000 years.

Several things can be "scotched", including rumours, snakes, butter and eggs.

Scotch eggs were invented in London.^[62] Scotch tape was invented in Minnesota.^[63] But almost everything else in world history was invented in Scotland.^[64][65]

The traditional courtesy extended to an Englishman who calls someone from Scotland "Scotch" is a Glasgow kiss.^{[note 3]}

The kilt[edit]

The kilt is a skirt worn by jessies all true Scotsmen, usually while playing the bagpipes or on formal occasions, ideally both.^{[note 4]} Kilts have distinctive plaid patterns which supposedly represent the wearer's clan. However, most of those 'clan designations' were, in fact, created in the early 19th century, as is frequently pointed out by the wearers of traditional Scottish garb such as jeans, string vests, T-shirts, and three-piece suits.

The curious often ask whether anything is worn under the kilt. No: it's all in perfect working order.^[66]

Calumnies[edit]

The Scots have a wholly unjustified reputation for meanness: on the contrary, they are an admirably prudent, frugal and thrifty nation.^{[note 5]}

Egyptians[edit]

Scotland is named for the Scoti or Scots, a Gaelic people who arrived from Ireland in the 1st millennium CE. That's a generally accepted fact. What isn't fact is that the Scoti were descended from an Egyptian princess, Scota or Scotia. This myth seems to date to the 11th or 12th century CE^[67] (with similar idiocy, the Britons are said to be descended from Brutus of Troy).

Legendary kings[edit]

In the 16th century, the Scots set about making up their history, with the first two major volumes of Scottish history being John Major (or Mair)'s De Gestis Scotorum (published in Paris in 1521) and Hector Boece's Historia Gentis Scotorum, published locally in 1527; the former was pretty factually-based, but the latter excelled at making shit up. To these, George Buchanan added his Rerum Scoticarum Historia in 1582, strongly influenced by Boece. These set the tone of Scottish history for hundreds of years, influencing other writers, including Raphael Holinshed (whose chronicles were the basis for much of Shakespeare's historical knowledge of people like Macbeth).^[68]

Boece and Buchanan traced the Scottish throne to Fergus I (330-305 BCE), supposedly an Irish king who came over for a while but drowned off Carrick Fergus ("Fergus's rock"), which was named after him. This is not supported by any modern historians. They produced fictitious genealogies from Fergus to the 9th century Kenneth MacAlpin, traditionally the first king of Scotland, although little is known about him.^[69] Boece appears to have reckoned that Scotland and England existed as two kingdoms side by side back to the time of Jesus and made up legends such as the story of King Galdus, who may be identified with Calgacus, who is mentioned by Tacitus as leading an army defeated by the Romans in 83 CE at the Battle of Mons Graupius.^[70]

Buchanan propagated a myth around Kenneth I (Cináed mac Ailpín), who he claimed was the first truly Scottish (Gaelic) king. The latter had defeated the Picts after lots of blood and betrayal and established a royal dynasty. The Picts had a kingdom in northeast Scotland, and the Scots were an Irish (Gaelic) tribe who settled in Argyll around 500 CE and appeared to have displaced the Picts (or at least their language) towards the end of the first millennium CE. One particularly colourful legend holds that Kenneth called all his rivals to a meeting, got them really drunk, and made them sit on benches that were booby-trapped with spikes that impaled and killed them all (quite why you'd want a king who does this sort of shit is a good question, but it's a fun story, even if archaeologists are yet to find any evidence).^[71]

Creating a heroic king of the appropriate ethnicity is nationalist pseudohistory 101. There's very little known about this period, but what seems to have happened in reality is that Kenneth was the son of a Pictish princess, his father was in some sense Gaelic, and through some medieval skullduggery, Kenneth became king of the Picts. Around the same time, the Scots' kingdom (Dal Riada) was partly captured by Vikings, and the remnants seem to have joined up with Kenneth. From Kenneth's time, we know that the Picts started to adopt Gaelic, although it's unclear why (some historians hypothesise that he agreed to the new language in exchange for the Scots' support of his kingship). Four of Kenneth's successors, such as Causantín mac Cináeda (Constantine I) and Áed, were called Kings of the Picts in contemporary accounts (there were no Scottish records but some Irish and Anglo-Saxon chronicles survive). Historian Alex Woolf says the idea of Kenneth as King of the Scots was first propagated around 1210 or 1220.^[72] Also, calling him King of Scotland is misleading because he was only king of Pictland and the part of Dal Riada the Vikings hadn't captured: much of present-day Scotland was then ruled by Vikings, Britons, or Angles/Northumbrians.

Tartan myths[edit]

Scottish culture is full of symbols and objects that exemplify Scottish identity, but perhaps the greatest is Highland dress, the kilt, and the tartan from which it is made. Except most of this imagery is a 19th-century distortion: there is little medieval about the design of the modern kilt or its tartan. The image of Highland warriors clad in long tartan plaids taking on the English is popular, pre-dating Braveheart, but it is also largely false. Recent historians like Hugh Trevor-Roper have demonstrated that the modern tartan kilt was largely a Victorian invention or, at any rate, a Victorian popularisation of costumes of small historical and geographical range now taken to be universal in Scotland's history (Trevor-Roper was a staunch unionist, which may be relevant).^[73]

Kilts and bare bottoms[edit]

The kilt commonly worn today, a pleated skirt-like garment that hangs from the waist to around the knee, and known as the modern kilt, small kilt, or walking kilt, was invented in the late 17th or early 18th century as a modification of the great kilt, a long tartan robe. Some reports say the modern kilt was invented in 1720 by Thomas Rawlinson, a Quaker from Lancashire, who halved the traditional kilt and sewed in pleats.^[74] However, this idea is contested by others, and Rawlinson may merely have popularised an earlier design.^[75] This was briefly popular, but tartan and the kilt were entirely banned in 1746 following the defeat of the Jacobites at the Battle of Culloden (part of the War of the Austrian Succession). It regained a niche when the ban was repealed in 1782. It only reached popularity as a Scottish national (as opposed to Highland) dress in 1822 when George IV became the first British monarch to visit Scotland since the 17th century.^[74][75]

The traditional dress of the Scottish highlander was, in fact, not even the tartan great kilt seen in films such as Braveheart and Rob Roy. The full-length great kilt wrapped around the body was only developed in the 16th century (well after Wallace and the Bruce) from a smaller cloak worn over a tunic.^[74] The fabric pattern was not typically the elaborate tartan known today: simple checks were common with those who could afford them, as were plain cloths. Before the evolution of the great kilt, Scots seem to have worn leggings with their cloaks rather than going bare-arsed.^[76] In battle, medieval Scottish soldiers did not wear flowing kilts but chain mail or leather armour for obvious reasons such as not getting stabbed.^[77] The Scots were not ignorant savages but in touch with European advances in arms, armour, military tactics, and fortifications, and many Scots fought in Europe as mercenaries.

Clan tartans[edit]

The Vestiarium Scoticum was a piece of fakelore published in Edinburgh in 1842 and claimed to be a 15th-century manuscript about the history of Scottish dress, reproduced from a 1721 edition; it was presented to the world by John Sobieski Stuart, who claimed to be a direct descendent of Prince Charles Edward Stuart (Bonnie Prince Charlie) and the Polish royal family. Sobieski Stuart claimed that the book offered the history of the traditional tartans of various Scottish clans (tribal groups who controlled the Scottish Highlands). The book said each clan had a distinctive tartan design. Today, you can still go into a Scottish tartan shop, and somebody will sell you "your" specific tartan. But this notion of distinctive tartans identifying clans seems to have been a 19th-century idea.

The Vestiarium's accuracy was soon questioned, with an 1847 article in the Quarterly Review attacking both the Sobieski Stuart genealogy and the book's authenticity; they doubtless had another recent hoax of Scottish history in mind, the fake poems of the Celtic bard Ossian (see Fakelore). Various defences of the book followed, although no independent experts could view any of the old copies of the text. In 1895, the Glasgow Herald published a series of articles by Andrew Ross which investigated the Vestiarium more deeply: the 1721 edition had finally appeared from somewhere and was studied by various experts, who suggested the paper may have been treated by chemicals to artificially age it, adding to suspicions of fakery. Today the authors are identified as John and Charles Allen, two brothers with a fondness for tartan who were nonetheless not Scottish. Nonetheless, the book was by then essential to the Scottish tartan industry, and its fictional tartan designs are still widely used.^[78][79][73]

David Morier's An Incident in the Rebellion of 1745, painted around 1760, shows soldiers with a variety of tartans

There were likely regional traditions in fabric, and there is evidence of very ancient checked designs: the oldest known Scottish tartan is the Falkirk sett from the 3rd century CE.^[76] But all the members of a clan did not wear the same tartan. Accounts of the 1746 battle of Culloden say that clans were distinguished by coloured ribbons on their hats.^[80] David Morier's An Incident in the Rebellion of 1745, painted around 1760, shows soldiers with a variety of tartans, although there is no indication that different clans had specific designs.^[81] But Morier's painting is inaccurate in portraying Jacobites armed with swords facing loyalists with guns. In reality, the Highland charge depended on running up to the enemy, firing muskets at close range and setting about with their swords.^[82]

Today, some claim that tartan and the kilt were purely Victorian inventions; this is an overstatement.^[76] But representations of the Wars of Scottish Independence with flowing kilts and bare arses are totally inaccurate.

Misconceptions and anti-Scottish sentiment[edit]

Scotland has been subjected to a long history of misconceptions and offensive stereotypes, primarily centred around inhabitants' accents or the country's alleged brutality. Much of this originates from the anti-Scottish sentiment established by medieval authors (who rarely visited the country but just went off "common knowledge"). In the 16th century, Scotland, particularly the Gaelic-speaking Highlands, was characterised as lawless, savage and filled with wild Scots.^[83]

Another prominent belief is that the country still resembles Braveheart disregarding that film was set in the late 1400s and was, in fact, based on a poem by Blind Harry.^[84]

In the modern day, anti-Scottish sentiment has continued to be present. An English football supporter was banned for life for shouting "Kill all the Jocks" before attacking Scottish football fans.^[85] One Scottish woman says she was forced to move from her home in England because of anti-Scottish feelings,^[86] while another had a haggis thrown through her front window.^[87] In 2008 a student nurse from London was fined for assault and hurling anti-Scottish abuse at police while drunk during the T in the Park festival in Kinross.^[88] In another incident, a pregnant woman in South Shields attacked a random shopper because of her Scottish accent.^[89]

Is anti-Scottish sentiment racist?[edit]

Due to the nature of racial categories, it is hard to distinguish if anti-Scottish sentiment is, in fact, racist. Cultural theorist Stuart Hall argues that the idea of race is dependent on changing social and political relations. Whether or not one is racialised depends, at any given time, on one's relationship to power. As Scottish people have long been seen as British, they cannot be subject to Racism.

However, as the disparity of power grows between Scotland and the rest of the UK, such as the unfairness of Devolution,^[90] the West Lothian question^[91] and the Barnett formula^[92] as causes.^[93] Anti-Scottish sentiment can be further argued to be a form of bigotry, and as argued by Jason Michael McCann:

See also[edit]

• England
• No True Scotsman
• Northern Ireland
• The Canadian maritime province of Nova Scotia, which is Latin for "New Scotland"
• Scottish National Party - The last bastion of the lefties. It's like Helm's Deep.
• West Lothian Question
• Essay:Too small, too poor, too stupid
• United Kingdom
• Wales
• Church of Scotland
• Siol nan Gaidheal

Notes[edit]

References[edit]