Mary (Mother Of Jesus)

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Light iron-age reading The Bible

Gabbin' with God

Old / New Testament Apocrypha Annotated Bible

Analysis

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Woo

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Figures

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According to Christian belief, Mary, wife of Joseph, was the mother of Jesus. According to some she has a habit of appearing to random people in random places.

Life[edit]

"Like a virgin, touched for the very first time..."[edit]

Many Christians believe that Mary was a virgin when she bore Jesus, thus fulfilling an Old Testament prophesy. In fact, the so-called prophesy might be a mistranslation. The original text said a young woman (almah usually means "young woman" but can also mean "virgin") would give birth; the passage was translated using the Greek word parthenos (which can mean "young woman" but usually means "virgin").^[1][2]

The concept of divine conception, rather than by natural means, held significant traction in the world Mary lived in. During that time there were many cults worshiping a god and his mother^[3] and there were many other supposed cases of Virgin birth. This cultural backdrop made the notion of a divine pregnancy more credible and widespread among the people of that era.

Perpetual virginity[edit]

The doctrine of the Perpetual Virginity of Mary, a belief held by some Roman Catholic, Eastern Orthodox and Oriental Orthodox Christians, affirms that Mary was a virgin for her whole life, including before, during, and after the birth of Jesus, as well as his siblings. One or more of the following inferences can be drawn from the perpetual virginity of Mary:

• Joseph was the first recorded case of asexuality (whether it was his personal choice, he is born with it, or he has been forced by God to be asexual).
• After every time that Joseph and Mary had sexual intercourse, Mary's virginity was miraculously restored^{[note 1]} — as it presumably was after the birth of Jesus.^{[note 2]} (Something which is strangely reminiscent of what the Houri promised devout Muslims). And this is also impossible, because virgins by definition have never have had sex before, and thus the only way for God to have restored Mary's virginity is to mess with the past, which would create a time paradox.
• Joseph was the first recorded case of impotence (other cases simply aren't recorded).
• God's abstinence program probably went one step too far.

Speculation[edit]

Possible alternative explanations for the generation of Jesus include the hypothesis that Joseph did it or that Mary was raped by a Roman soldier named Pantera. There were any number of men in Judea at the time who were biologically capable of fathering a child.^{[note 3]}

God as adulterer[edit]

Even if God did the deed and Mary didn’t go with any man, she was still an adulteress; at least that’s one Jewish interpretation of Deutronomy 22:23-24.^[4][5]

"I was born an original sinner, I was born from original sin..."[edit]

Over time, people started to ask why Mary, of all women throughout the world and history, got to be the one special enough to give birth to Jesus. The answer that theologians made up realized was that Mary was special because she was born without original sin. ^[6] When asked how Mary’s parents managed to conceive a child without original sin, theologians said it was due to God’s intervention. This raises a huge problem: why doesn’t God intervene so the rest of us aren’t born with original sin?

Abducted by a UFO?[edit]

Roman Catholics believe that Mary was assumed bodily into heaven, meaning that her body is there as well as her soul. The rest of the blessed will have to wait till Judgement Day to be reunited with their bodies or given new bodies.

In Islam[edit]

It is likely surprising to many Christians that Mary holds an important place within Islam. The Muslim and Christian views of Mary (usually called Maryam in Islam) and Jesus differ in one important aspect in that Muslims view Jesus as a mortal prophet and not created directly by God, as Christians believe. An entire chapter of the Qur'an is devoted to Mary Qur'an 19, Mary's House in Turkey is a pilgrimage site for both Christians and Muslims, devotional painting of Mary can be found in the Hagia Sophia Grand Mosque in Istanbul, and at least three mosques in the United States are named after Mary.^[7]

Marian apparitions[edit]

A Marian apparition is an event in which visions or images on objects of Mary allegedly appear in modern times. Marian apparitions are a popular way of encouraging pilgrims and tourists to visit a place.

Controversies[edit]

New Zealand billboards[edit]

Poor Joseph. God was a hard act to follow.

Around Christmas 2009 a dispute erupted in New Zealand over a billboard which hinted that Joseph may have gotten lucky at some point after the birth of Jesus.^[8] Two years later another billboard from the same church depicted Mary holding a positive pregnancy test, and was promptly vandalised by Catholics.^[9]

As a defense for pedophilia[edit]

In 2017, Alabama State auditor Jim Ziegler claimed that "Mary was a teenager and Joseph was an adult carpenter", and therefore Alabama Senate contender Roy Moore would have been justified in allegedly molesting a 14-year old girl.^[10][11] Ziegler also invoked the Bible as a defense with Zachariah and Elizabeth:

There are three problems with this bizarre line of reasoning, just from a Christian perspective:

1. Zachariah and Elizabeth were both elderly adults even though there was an age difference.
2. The claim that Mary was a teenager is based on the Apocrypha, which are regarded as unreliable (and non-canonical) by all mainstream Christians.^[12]
3. Mary was a virgin, meaning Joseph did not have sex with her, at least until after Jesus' birth.

Notes[edit]

References[edit]