Conservative Party (Uk)

A money tree, planted with the remains of the poor, gay, disabled, and elderly.

How an Empire ends U.K. Politics

God Save the King?

Cornerstone Group Communist Party of Great Britain (Marxist-Leninist) Winston Churchill Neville Chamberlain Ignaz Trebitsch Lincoln David Nutt Rishi Sunak 1926 General Strike Jamie Bryson Legatum 1992 United Kingdom general election Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Mumsnet v - t - e

The Conservative Party (or the Tories), fully titled the Conservative and Unionist Party, is one of the two to seven (depending on who you ask) major political parties in the United Kingdom, and like most political parties it has distinct factions which gain and lose internal power over time. Their only unifying principle is to defend the profit structure of capitalism against any real or perceived threats to their privileged status.

They are currently the ruling party, with 349 MPs in the House of Commons (down from 365 after the last election following a disastrous series of by-elections) and 270 Lords in the House of Lords opposite the Labour Party.^[1][2] It helps that almost every newspaper is in bed with them.

History[edit]

The Conservative Party under that name dates back to the 1830s. In the 19th century they were the party of aristocracy and landed gentry, in opposition to the Liberal Party which represented new businessmen and industrialists; the Conservatives stood for the old order, military might, the Church of England, tariffs, protectionism, and opposition to Irish Home Rule.^[4] In the early 20th century the party was in crisis over issues such as tariffs, with the Liberals and later the Labour Party ascendant; extension of the franchise to all men made it look like they were doomed. But Stanley Baldwin pulled it together and faced down the unions in the 1926 General Strike, letting Labour take most of the flak for the Great Depression, and moving in and out of Downing Street until 1937.^[5]

After World War II, the party looked doomed again following Churchill's loss to Attlee's Labour Party in 1945, but the Conservatives embraced consensus and the welfare state, while continuing to emphasise tradition, free enterprise, military might, and patriotism. They returned to power in 1951, and despite the mess of the Suez Crisis and Macmillan accepting the end of the British Empire in his 1960 "Winds of Change" speech, the post-war economic boom ensured they stayed in power until 1964 when everybody was so rich that they voted Labour. After ousting Harold Wilson's Labour government in 1970, Edward Heath vacillated between his Tory predecessors' centre-right approach and a more extreme economic liberalism promoted by Keith Joseph and later Margaret Thatcher; Heath's biggest achievement, the UK entering the Common Market (later to become the European Union), proved a cause of division for decades to come.

In the late 70s, Thatcher changed what it meant to be "conservative" in the UK. She took a firm stance against government roles in public life. At the same time, she tackled the power of entrenched private interests, such as unions … while reinforcing other entrenched interests, like big business, and creating an economy based on services as opposed to industry (deeming the latter to be an anachronism). By the time Thatcher left office, the size of the state relative to the economy was at its smallest since before the Second World War. There was some social tension due to the bullheaded nature of this economic transition, particularly in the north of England and Scotland, where anti-Thatcherism remains to this day.^[6]

The Conservative Party became slightly more moderate in later years to survive the backlash against Thatcher. Similarly, Labour was forced to lean to the right, turning the UK general elections into a bland and boring battle for the "centre" ground. That said, the Conservatives have their share of old-school gibbering right-wing nutters (whom the shadow cabinet refer to as "backwoodsmen")^[7] just as Labour have their share of diehard Trotskyites.

Under Cameron/May, despite claims of good old-fashioned One-Nation Toryism, the Tories are as extreme as they were under Thatcher but have a more pleasant manner when signing disastrous policies. The modernizing wing of the Tories has been frozen out,^[8] and the growing young and leftist opposition is led by an increasingly emboldened and popular Jeremy Corbyn even after he resigned as Labour leader. Lib Dems are currently polling around the same as the dead UKIP which has already achieved its purpose.

Tories are notoriously unsentimental when it comes to knifing leaders who cease to be useful. Since the New Labour landslide of 1997, the Conservatives have gone through more than their fair share of changes: going from John Major to William Hague to Iain Duncan Smith to Michael Howard. However, most of the party still harps on about the good old days of Margaret Thatcher, who is the most reviled/revered UK politician of modern times.

Brexit predictably changed everything. Pro-Remain prime minister David Cameron, who won reelection on a majority government in 2015, resigned the following year after losing the referendum to Leave. Theresa May took over to try to implement Brexit, but when she called an early election, she lost her majority, lost her standing in the party, destroyed her reputation, and finally resigned after failing to pass the same Brexit bill three different times. Her replacement as Prime Minister was Boris Johnson, who defeated Corbyn, won a super-majority in parliament, and passed a Hard Brexit bill, only to then preside over the COVID-19 pandemic. His corruption scandals eventually caught up to him, forcing him to resign as Liz Truss took over. But Truss immediately squandered her chances after unveiling a budget so awful, so transparently cruel, so pro-billionaire, that the British markets crashed and the Pound Sterling got devalued. Truss resigned a mere 6 weeks after taking power, becoming the shortest serving prime minister in British history, and she was instead succeeded by Rishi Sunak, the man she beat just weeks prior and the same man who helped (justifiably) knife Boris in the back earlier.

Policies[edit]

Tories behave like the fact that Britain is no longer an Empire hasn't registered in their psyche. They know they're not, but their mannerisms and condescending attitude towards their European neighbor states (and their citizens) makes them come across as gentry fallen on rough times, with a pinch of Victorian-style contempt for the lower class scum. They hold power mostly due to the fact that they have successfully marketed this suspicion of everything "foreign" or low-class to the people, with the help of a mass media that has long since traded all notion of journalistic ethics for profits.

What everyone forgot, or many were too young to understand^[9] is that the Tories don't give a flying coitus about anyone but the richest in society. It's a party of self-preservation. (A lot of the things they complain about reveal how their own minds work, since the people they most disapprove of are: lazy,^[10] workshy,^[11] greedy,^[12][13][14] dishonest,^{[15][16][17][18]} morally corrupt...^[19])

Austerity[edit]

Austerity was the policy from 2010 of cutting public spending to destroy the public sector, weaken unions and the Labour Party's power base in sectors such as health and education, stigmatise the poor who are created as scapegoats, and allow tax cuts for the rich. There have been occasional claims since then of the end of austerity, such as by then-chancellor Sajid Javid in 2019.^[21] However it is unclear whether the vast costs of fighting COVID-19 will require another round.^[22]

Experience from the UK coalition government of 2010-2015 shows that publicising select cases of benefit fraud is very effective at convincing people that most dole claimants are crooks.^[23] It seems like every month, Channel 4 & 5 air a new Saints and Scroungers or Nightmare Neighbors. Thatcher did the same thing in the 80's: She used the press to make everyone believe that benefit fraud was rife and immigration was out of control.^[24][25] What resulted was a rise in the far-right and the poor blaming the poor for their poverty.

After Iain Duncan Smith resigned, he was interviewed and admitted the government singles out disabled people for cuts, because they're an easy target and aren't traditional Tory voters.^[26] By then the damage had been done: The narrative that disabled people are all cheats and scroungers, all immigrants are criminals was well-established in the public mind.

Foreign policy and defence[edit]

To maintain the nuclear arsenal of Airstrip One the UK, NATO membership and the unquestioning 'Special Relationship' with the USA which has become as substitute for British power and prestige after the breakup of the British Empire post-1945. This includes maintaining the Trident nuclear deterrent, which is nominally independent but largely dependent on the US, to maintain Britain's place in the world as one of the Big Nations on the UN Security Council; in 2021 the Tories announced plans for renewal with more warheads, after years of ridiculing Jeremy Corbyn's opposition to nukes.^[27][28]

The Tories actually seem less willing to start wars than Labour Governments, although John Major was in charge for one Gulf War, and David Cameron was involved in the 2016 western intervention in Libya.^[29] The dominant principle seems to be realpolitik and the goal promoting business and industry (including arms sales), leading to friendships with the despotic likes of Saudi Arabia. However, a desire to find villains leads sections of the party to be vociferously anti-China (despite the trade possibilities).^[30]

Science[edit]

The Tories do not support an evidence-based drugs policy. Conservative science spokesman Adam Afriyie when asked: "To what extent should drug policy be based on scientific evidence?" Replied that: "There may be times when ministers decide to take account of other considerations." What these other considerations could possibly be, has yet to be figured out.^[31]

Race and immigration[edit]

Unofficial Tory poster from the 1964 election in Smethwick. The original wording of said slogan used a lot less savoury alternative to the term "coloured", which at the time was a more politically correct term.

The Party has long had an extremist right wing which varied between virulent opposition to immigration and overt racism, but it normally tried to keep these lunatics under control. It's because Tories (unlike Republicans) have always been more interested in class than race. The first mixed race Prime Minister (1812 to 1827) was the Earl of Liverpool (Tory) who had a gujurati grandmother—no-one gave a toss, he was an Earl! Disraeli was a dark Sephardic Jew, but became a Tory Prime Minister; he was firmly upper middle class. Boris Johnson has a Turkish grandfather—but he's an Etonian!

In 1960 moderate Conservative PM Harold Macmillan declared that the British empire would come to an end and the "winds of change" were blowing through Africa, meaning self-rule and independence. However, many members of his party opposed this progressive viewpoint, founding the Monday Club and advocating for Ian Smith's racist regime in Rhodesia and the pro-apartheid government in South Africa. Enoch Powell was famed and popular for his opposition to immigration, but sacked by Edward Heath and eventually left the party.

Theresa May was of course a huge xenophobe as Home Secretary, and carried on with this as Prime Minister.^[32][33] Under Boris Johnson, Priti Patel was put in charge of the Home Office including immigration, with numerous plans for right-wing clamp-downs on immigrants at the same time as introducing a points-based immigration system that prioritises economics rather than refugees or family reunion.^[34][35] Johnson's personal history of racist remarks did not bode well for the future despite the presence of high-profile ethnic-minority figures such as Patel and Rishi Sunak in his cabinet.^[36]

By far the worst recent instance of Tory racism is the Rwanda asylum plan, a (thankfully failed) policy attempted by Johnson and Sunak but blocked by the courts on human rights grounds.^[37] The plan was, in essence, that any and all people who entered the country by "irregular means" would be illegally deported to Rwanda while their claims were processed, with no chance of returning to the UK even if their claims were accepted.^[38] This was made worse by the numerous human rights abuses documented in Rwanda by the US State Department, including extrajudicial killings,^[39] and by the chief proponent of the plan's description of channel crossings as an "invasion on our south coast" by "criminal gangs".^[40] This rhetoric has been compared to that which was used to justify atrocities like the Holocaust.^[41]

Wikipedia has more detailed articles on Islamophobia in the UK Conservative Party, Racism in the UK Conservative Party and Antisemitism in the UK Conservative Party.

Prime Ministers[edit]

Notable Conservative Prime Ministers include:

• Neville Chamberlain (1937–1940)
• Winston Churchill (1940–1945, 1951–1955)
• Edward Heath (1970–1974)
• Margaret Thatcher (1979–1990)
• John Major (1990–1997)
• David Cameron (2010–2016)
• Theresa May (2016–2019)
• Boris Johnson (2019–2022)
• Liz Truss (September–October 2022)
• Rishi Sunak (2022–incumbent)

Other prominent figures[edit]

James Cleverly[edit]

Ironically named MP for Braintree and former party chairman. Formerly served as Education Secretary and Foreign Secretary, currently Home Secretary (replacing the execrable Suella Braverman). He apparently believes that children who are taught about religions other than Christianity are more likely to become criminals.^[42] During the 2019 United Kingdom general election, Cleverly defended Conservative Party members who had used deceptive editing to make it look as though Keir Starmer had failed to answer questions about Brexit.^[43]

Cleverly also served on the London Assembly from 2008 to 2016, during which time his greatest achievement was pushing through disastrous cuts to the emergency services, leading to the death of an elderly man when the fire brigade failed to arrive on time.^[44] He was also known for insulting a Lib Dem MP.^[45]

Michael Gove[edit]

MP for Surrey Heath, former Secretary of State for Education who managed to attract the hatred of almost every single teacher in the country,^[46] despite his sterling credentials. Later Lord Chancellor aka Secretary of State for Justice where he has the unenviable task of dealing with the fallout from Grayling's awful reforms. At Education, he warred against anyone claiming to have expertise in education, and in 2016 he showed his anti-intellectualism by declaring "people in this country have had enough of experts".^[47] He has been criticised for anti-Muslim attitudes, including in his 2006 book Celsius 7/7 which used dubious statistics to claim a significant proportion of British Muslims supported suicide bombing and rejected British society.^[48] Moved to farming under Theresa May and subsequently Boris handed him the job (or possibly poisoned chalice as payback for knifing BoJo in the leadership contest that made May PM) of preparing the UK for a no-deal Brexit.

Chris "Failing" Grayling[edit]

MP for Epsom and Ewell and former Lord President of the Council and Leader of the House of Commons.^[49] The first non-lawyer to hold the position of Lord Chancellor for 440 years—make of that what you will. He introduced wildly unpopular changes to legal aid, removing it in all but exceptional circumstances in cases of divorce, child contact, welfare benefits, employment, clinical negligence, and housing.^[50] Also introduced the extremely controversial "criminal courts charge"—this is a fixed and mandatory charge on top of all the others that convicted offenders must pay, and the charge is higher if you plead not guilty.^[51][52][53] Quoted as saying that Christian B&B owners should be allowed to turn away gay couples, though he did later row back from this and even supported the Same-Sex Marriage Act. But lawyers still hate him as much as he apparently hates them.^[54] Grayling has also become a bit of a joke in UK politics in that he is mind-numbingly incompetent. Examples of this are giving funding to a ferry company...with no ferries in post Brexit preperations and also failing to become the chair of the Intelligence and Security Committee after the entire thing was rigged.

Philip Hammond[edit]

Former MP for Runnymede and Weybridge and Theresa May's Chancellor of the Exchequer, now sitting in the House of Lords. Is for the reduction of abortion time limits and is also a supporter of homeopathy.^{[55][56][57][58]} Mixed record as foreign secretary, supporting Saudi military action in Yemen but involved in the nuclear deal with Iran (that Trump later broke) and condemned genocide in Bosnia.^[59] He opposed the legalisation of gay marriage in 2013, saying it would be like legalising incest.^[60]

Jeremy Hunt[edit]

MP for South West Surrey, current Chancellor of the Exchequer and former Foreign Secretary and Health Secretary. NHS will be gone in five years in favour of an American-style insurance option, and you have Mr. Hunt to thank for that. Magical thinking and Brexit go together like turd and toilets: After all, we can always replace foreign doctors with British talent after Brexit.^[61] (By making them work more hours for less money in poorer conditions! How would they resist!) He voted for the reduction of abortion time limits to 12 weeks. He supported homeopathy when a young MP in 2007, but later changed his mind and accepted science; he defended measles vaccination and condemned homeopathic alternatives in 2013, and the following year when David Tredinnick asked a question promoting Chinese medicine, Hunt said only if there was scientific evidence.^[62] Hunt was notorious while health secretary for misrepresenting scientific data about the benefits of 7-day hospital working, incorrectly claiming higher staffing at weekends would reduce mortality, as part of his campaign to get doctors to work 7 days instead of 5.^[63]

Sajid Javid[edit]

MP for Bromsgrove, former Home Secretary, now former Chancellor. Is a fan of Ayn Rand: He picked The Fountainhead for the Parliament film club, calling it “a film that was articulating what I felt”.^[64] Make of that what you will.

Edward Leigh[edit]

MP for Gainsborough: Is strongly for the reduction of abortion time limits against scientific and medical consensus, is a strong supporter of homeopathy, for the exclusion of faith-based adoption agencies from the Equality Act so that they may discriminate against homosexual couples, supported now defunct blasphemy laws, and is also a member of the Cornerstone Group, a faction within the Conservative Party that promotes Christian values.^[65] In addition to this Leigh is particularly scientifically illiterate even for a Conservative, he is strongly against embryonic research (not just stem cell research) claiming "There is no overwhelming, or indeed any large-scale body of scientific evidence to suggest that this research that does cross this ultimate boundary between humans and animals will actually cure anything." in regards to the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill. Leigh went onto show some views in line with baraminology when he said "I don't believe in my soul or my brain I'm 80 per cent a mouse or 30 per cent a daffodil. But I do think that we are special and, therefore, as the human race is special it is different from the animal race and I think that we should take this very seriously." Leigh also doesn't seem to value separation of church and state all that much when remarked that: "There is also a view, is there not, that politicians should keep out of the Church and out of religion? Was it not rather depressing when the former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, said that he could not talk about religion when he was the Prime Minister for fear of being called a nutter? Is that view changing? The current Prime Minister mentioned the story of the good Samaritan in his speech to Congress, and Delia Smith is doing a blog on the Catholic Fund for Overseas Development website. Does my hon. Friend think that politicians should speak out and talk about their faith in a natural way, as he is doing?"

Theresa May[edit]

MP for Maidenhead, formerly Prime Minister and Home Secretary. At the Home Office, she rejected expert scientific advice on drugs policy.^[66] The fuckery with the CSA Inquiry has proven to be not her finest hour, either. Maybe Theresa should get off her arse and sort those out instead of trying to check our porn browsing history^[67][68]

George Osborne[edit]

"Avatar of Human Despair", formerly Chancellor, and MP for Tatton. Owner of the world's most punchable face. Selon George, free market fundamentalism and democracy are one and the same. That's why a court ruling giving Uber employees minimum wage and holiday pay is considered a "threat" to democracy.^[69] Osborne's stock answer to any question he does not want to address is "an independent review committee is investigating the situation"; Georgie Boy comes out with some horrific budget cuts, everyone goes woah, hold on a second mate and he rolls out something that's only half as bad as a solution. But when you look at it, it's still a terrible solution, because option B is what he wanted in the first place. Not actually called George as his real name is Gideon.

Priti Patel[edit]

MP for Witham in Essex, and Home Secretary from 2019 until 2022, a job which seems to have suited her right-wing, anti-immigrant, and law and order beliefs perfectly. In the 1990s she worked for the Conservative Party and Jimmy Goldsmith's anti-EU Referendum Party, before stints as a tobacco lobbyist and in PR for drinks company Diageo.^[70] She helped British American Tobacco to oppose EU anti-smoking legislation; she also defended the firm's partnership with Myanmar's brutal military dictatorship, and tried to downplay reports that it was using child workers as young as 8 to pick tobacco in Nigeria.^[71]

She was Secretary of State for International Development from 2016-17 until she was forced to resign by Theresa May for having secret meetings with Israeli politicians, businesspeople, and lobbyists, in contravention of rules requiring ministers to notify the government before having meetings with foreign governments.^[72]

In 2011 on the BBC's Question Time she argued in favour of the death penalty, claiming it was a deterrent despite considerable evidence to the contrary.^[73]

She promoted a hard line against immigration, despite the fact that her parents were born in India and emigrated from Uganda to the UK when Idi Amin expelled Uganda's Indian population; she admitted in 2020 that her parents might not have been allowed into the country under her own rules, rather than the less strict rules her parents faced.^[74] She has proposed sending refugees to the UK to be processed in overseas holding camps, possibly on Crown territories such as Gibraltar and the Isle of Man, or paying foreign countries to host them as in the Australian model.^[75] This would separate asylum seekers from support networks, legal advice, and family and friends legally in the UK, and the similar scheme in Australia has been associated with an astonishing level of human rights abuse, described as "brazen cruelty" by Human Rights Watch.^[76][77]

She supported Brexit in the 2016 referendum and since then has claimed Brexit will make Britain safer by allowing tougher border controls and stopping Europeans flowing in freely.^[78]

In 2020 an internal government inquiry by the Cabinet Office found that she had bullied her staff on several occasions. In 2015 a staff member received a payout of £25,000 without admission of liability, in 2017 she reportedly humiliated civil servants, and when senior civil servant Philip Rutnam stood up for his staff, he was subjected to a campaign of harassment until he was forced to resign. Boris Johnson accepted the report but declined to take any action against Patel: Sir Alex Allan, the independent investigator found that Patel had broken the ministerial code, but Johnson overruled his decision, and Allan resigned.^[79]

Hang on … daughter of a shopkeeper, trained as a barrister, worked for a notoriously amoral industry, blue skirt suit. As the Dead Kennedys once said, we got a bigger problem now …

Owen Paterson[edit]

Was Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs from 2012 to 2014, which is fitting considering his later role in lobbying for a bacon company, lying to the FSA in the process. This, as well as his involvement in lobbying for drug company Randox lead to him being suspended for egregiously breaking lobbying rules following an investigation by the Commons Commissioner for Standards in 2021. He says that he didn't do it, which is entirely trustworthy considering the numerous times he has been caught outright lying in the past, particularly to the FSA.^[80] This has caused the conservative party to jump at the opportunity to try to save one of its own, by trying to change the rules to allow him to get away with breaking them.^[81] Owen represents a massive problem with lobbying in politics.

After this broke out, the issue developed into a scandal after Johnson supported an overhaul that would seek to implement an appeals process, blocking Owen Paterson from punishment in the meantime. This didn't miss the labour party's ire, as they boycotted it, causing whiplash from the U-turn to occur. Even tories themselves were disgusted with the act, with the Daily Mail who are usually fans of Johnson slamming the decision as a sink into sleaze.^[82] He has also lamented the idea that his wife's suicide would be treated as a 'political football' even though he was the one to initially use it as exactly that when he threw her under the bus for money.^[83] It remains to be seen whether or not any overhaul of the anti-corruption processes in the government will happen, though if one did, it'd surely need more than adding an appeals process.

As a result of all of this, Owen Paterson has resigned so he doesn't have to face the indignity of a byelection.^[84] Thus one less corporate sock has a hand in UK politics, just in time for November 5th.

John Redwood[edit]

MP for Wokingham and former Welsh Secretary—climate change denier,^[85] is for the reduction of abortion time limits against scientific and medical consensus.^[57] Redwood is also a member of the Cornerstone Group, a faction within the Conservative Party that promotes Christian values. Nicknamed "the Vulcan" for his inability to display any kind of emotion. Also a notoriously outspoken Eurosceptic who backed a hard Brexit^[86] and has an online diary claiming that he "speaks for England."^[87] So Redwood is basically the epitome of right-wing reactionary gammon.

Jacob Rees-Mogg[edit]

MP for NE Somerset and Downton Abbey—Straight outta Wansdyke, crazy motherfucker named Rees-Mogg. Jacob has always been the "Tory-est" of the Tories: Roman Catholic, anti-abortion, anti–gay marriage. Spoke at an event by a pro-Front National group, Traditional Britain, then apologised.^[88] Intervened on the Scotland Bill, backed Brexit, and would vote for Donald Trump if he could. Can't deny he's done some good, but he's a Wodehousian caricature who only got into politics due to his bloodline.

Malcolm Rifkind[edit]

Former MP for Kensington and before that for Edinburgh Pentlands. Defence and Foreign Secretary under John Major. Has been a supporter of homeopathy and for the reduction of abortion time limits.^[89][57] He supported Slobodan Milošević and refused to do anything about Serbian/Yugoslav government aggression or war crimes; when ex-PM Margaret Thatcher was critical of the West's response to Serbian war crimes in 1993, he condemned her remarks as "emotional nonsense", making him perhaps the only person to accuse Thatcher of stereotypically feminine weakness.^[90][91] Stepped down from chairing the Intelligence and Security Committee because of his involvement in the "cash for access" scandal in early 2015 and announced he would not stand in the 2015 election.^[92]

Tory wingnuts[edit]

In addition to the mainstream nastiness, the Tories also have a significant fringe of religious fundamentalists, global warming skeptics, COVID-denialists, and other cranks. This includes a large number who are opposed to abortion, and several who have advocated for homeopathy.^[93][94]

MPs in parliament[edit]

• Christopher Chope (MP for Christchurch): Is for the reduction of abortion time limits against scientific and medical consensus,^[57] is a supporter of homeopathy,^[94] supported now defunct blasphemy laws, and is also a member of the Cornerstone Group, a faction within the Conservative Party that promotes Christian values. Also a climate change skeptic, one of only 3 MPs to vote against the 2008 Climate Change Bill.^[95]
• Stephen Crabb: The MP for Preseli Pembrokeshire had links to Christian Action Research and Education (CARE), a fundamentalist organisation promoting reparative therapy for homosexuals, and opposed gay marriage.^[96] Resigned from ministerial role in 2016 after sending sexually-explicit texts to a job applicant.
• David Davies (MP for Monmouth): Climate change skeptic^[97] and defended oil companies by pointing to the use of oil lamps in the Bible—even though Biblical lamps used renewable olive oil, not fossil fuels.^[98]
• Philip Davies. Fringe figure noteworthy for his obnoxiousness. MP for Shipley and seemingly a supporter of homeopathy, strongly denies climate change of any kind, against all political reform whatsoever, favours repealing the minimum wage (or at least exempting disabled people from it). Opposed legislation on sexual violence and is against feminism and the forces of political correctness; has also trolled equalities bodies with questions like "Why it is so offensive to black up your face?".^[99] Against relaxing law on abortion.^[93]
• Nadine Dorries. The MP for Mid Bedfordshire and Minister for Mental Health, Suicide Prevention and Patient Safety since 2019 is a strong supporter for the reduction of abortion time limits against scientific and medical consensus, and is strongly against embryonic research, believing it would involve "the possibility of seeking to inseminate animals with human sperm" and the creation of human and chimpanzee hybrids "humanzee." Seriously. Dorries is also a supporter of homeopathy, doesn't consider Trident to be weapons of mass destruction, supported now defunct blasphemy laws, and is a member of the Cornerstone Group, a faction within the Conservative Party that promotes Christian values. How one gets a seat on Science and Technology Select Committee remains a mystery.
• Damian Green. MP for Ashford, close ally of Theresa May, and former Minister of State for Borders and Immigration.^[100] He supports the reduction of abortion time limits, and is also a supporter of homeopathy.^[94][101] In favour of gay rights based on his parliamentary voting record.^[102] Allegedly has a good pornography collection though.^[100]
• Andrew Selous (MP for South West Bedfordshire): Is for the reduction of abortion time limits against scientific and medical consensus,^[57] is a supporter of homeopathy, for the exclusion of faith-based adoption agencies from the Equality Act so that they may discriminate against homosexual couples, and supported now defunct blasphemy laws. Opposed gay rights.^[103] Proposed legislation hostile to Gypsies and Travellers.^[104] Furthermore, Selous is a trustee of the Christian Conservative Fellowship, an organisation wishing to promote Christians in the Conservative Party and increase the parties' Christian membership. Selous sits on the "Council of Reference" for the group Prayers for Parliament, a group which asserts that "the real power to change this land rests not in 10 Downing Street or in the Palace of Westminster. It rests wherever you bow your head in prayer to the Almighty God who is sovereign over all."
• Nicholas Soames (MP for Mid Sussex): This man had the nerve to say that most universities should be shut down, and those remaining should raise their fees to six-digit figures so only the top 1% could get in. Is also for the reduction of abortion time limits against scientific and medical consensus,^[57] is a supporter of homeopathy,^[94] and for the exclusion of faith-based adoption agencies from the Equality Act so that they may discriminate against homosexual couples. One of the biggest arseholes in Parliament, but he keeps getting reelected because his grandfather was Churchill, guaranteeing every elderly vote in the county.
• John Whittingdale (MP for Maldon): Is a strong supporter of homeopathy,^[94] and is also a member of the Cornerstone Group, a faction within the Conservative Party that promotes Christian values.^[65] In addition to this, in March 2007 it was reported that Whittingdale, in a speech to the Incorporated Society of British Advertisers, had suggested that advertisers should make the argument that a ban on advertising "junk" food during children's television could "have a damaging effect on children's broadcasting that will lead to money going out of it." He was Culture Secretary from 2015-2016, in charge of negotiating the renewal of the Royal Charter that governs the BBC. That would be OK, except for the fact that he has gone on record as saying that the all-important licence fee is "worse than a poll tax."^[105] He returned to the department as a junior minister in 2020. Oh dear.
• Jeremy Wright (MP for Kenilworth and Southam): Is for the reduction of abortion time limits against scientific and medical consensus, and is a supporter of homeopathy.^[94] In March 2010, Wright abstained from voting on The Conditional Fee Agreements (Amendment) Order 2010, which would have limited success fees to lawyers to 10%. In addition to this, Wright is a supporter of unnecessarily high dose vitamin supplements as evidenced by a page on his website claiming "Products such as 1 gram Vitamin C tablets that are frequently used in the cold season; and the mineral Boron, important for strong bones and teeth, are set to become illegal once European laws passed recently are fully introduced."

Tory candidates[edit]

• Philippa Stroud (unsuccessful MP candidate in 2010, but influential activist): Founded a church which (allegedly) attempts to "cure" homosexuality. This was the centre of some media controversy shortly before the election.
• Andrew Cooper - unsuccessful MP candidate in 2023 Tamworth By-election, throwing a major strop when he lost. Still holds the role of "Portfolio Holder for Entertainment and Leisure" on Tamworth Borough Council, which basically entails ensuring the town is covered in pretty flowers and not litter.

Former MPs[edit]

• Peter Bone (MP for Wellingborough and Rushden): Is for the reduction of abortion time limits against scientific and medical consensus,^[57] is a strong supporter of homeopathy, supported now defunct blasphemy laws, and is also a member of the Cornerstone Group, a faction within the Conservative Party that promotes Christian values. Opposed to same-sex marriage and laws against upskirt photography.^[106] On 17 October 2023, Bone lost his Conservative whip after an investigation found he had bullied and sexually harassed a male employee,^[107] and was later suspended for six weeks. This triggered a by-election and led to Bone losing his seat in the Commons.^[108]
• Brooks Newmark (MP for Braintree): Is strongly for the reduction of abortion time limits against scientific and medical consensus,^[57] is a supporter of homeopathy,^[94] and for the exclusion of faith-based adoption agencies from the Equality Act so that they may discriminate against homosexual couples. In 2009, Newmark introduced a Private Member Bill to lower the cervical cancer screening age to 20 based on sensationalist reporting by the Sun newspaper, against the evidence provided by the British Medical Journal showing that screening in women age 20–24 had little to no impact. Left parliament in 2015 and works for a homelessness charity.
• David Amess (MP for Southend West): Was for the prohibition of abortion regardless of scientific and medical consensus,^[109] opposed making abortion easier,^[93] was a supporter of homeopathy,^[94] for the exclusion of faith-based adoption agencies from the Equality Act so that they may discriminate against homosexual couples, supported now defunct blasphemy laws, voted against gay marriage, and was also a member of the Cornerstone Group, a faction within the Conservative Party that promotes Christian values. Also asked Parliament to ban a recreational drug that didn't actually exist.^[110] He was assassinated in 2021 by Islamic terrorists.^[111]

Factions[edit]

The Conservative Party includes various groups, some restricted to MPs, others with wider membership. The more extreme or crazy ones include:

• Cornerstone Group, socially very conservative, founded 2005 and apparently still active (as of 2018).^[112]
• Conservative Monday Club, founded to oppose the end of the British Empire and strongly anti-immigration, finally rejected by party leadership in 2001.^[113]
• Conservative Christian Fellowship, intended as a link between conservatism and Christianity.^[114]
• 1922 Committee, parliamentary group controlled by backbench MPs.
• European Research Group (ERG), the most Brexitist of the Brexiteers.
• Common Sense Group, a bunch of right-wingers (inspired by the ERG) who want to celebrate the British Empire by using hashtags like "#empirestrikesback" and stopping heritage bodies such as the National Trust from talking about slavery or colonialism.^[115][116]

Videos[edit]

• "Stupid Tory Voters": Skit where John Major and pals go door to door, call Tory voters stupid, and they say they'll still vote for them.
• Mitchell and Webb - "Kill the Poor": Obligatory for those who missed it.
• Rowan Atkinson - Conservative Conference

External links[edit]

• The Lion's Den.
• "I'm in power with no accountability, I can do whatever I want now!" - #We'reOut

References[edit]